Remember me?

Hi.

It's been a while.

I miss you all.

I've been through a fucking rollercoaster this summer. I've spent half of it on drugs or drunk, been fucked over, treated like shit, treated other people like shit, and probably messed a few things up that I shouldn't have.

In the end, I'm just glad I'll be out of this state in five days. I'll be free to move on, live my life the way I want. I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do, dictating how I feel. I refused to be controlled any longer.

Fuck you, you know who you are.

I puked today for the first time in a long time

And I am so upset about it.

Fuck my life.

I was afraid to come back until I had some progress to show.

I do. I haven’t weighed myself in almost 2 weeks. I wanted to wait a full week after the last day I stepped on the scale, but then I got my period a week early and didn’t want to step on the scale because I knew I would have extra pounds of waterweight and because I ate too much.

The last time I checked, I was 119, which is down from the 124 I was the week before. I’m dropping the weight fast, but not fast enough. I’m going to weigh myself again Saturday morning to see what the change is. It better be significant or I think I’ll die.

I’ve been exercising daily (for like three days…. -___- ), but I’m going to keep it up. I’m sick of being a fatass.

Good news though, I was able to fit into my skinny jeans without dying even while on my period. That one pair of Lucky jeans, though, I still have yet to get small enough to get back into.

The thing that kills me the most is that I USED to be so small. If I never was, it would be so much easier to accept myself. But I can’t. I know what I can be. I need it.

I'm so upset I don't know how to deal with it.

I have the urge to cut, throw up, eat, run, jump, bang my head on a wall, scratch something, break something. Anything to output because I can't handle how I feel right now but I can't take any more amphetamines today because I'm afraid they are killing me already. What the fuck I can't.

I fucking love

Working for 50 hours and getting paid for 36. Being called at 1030 and being told not to come in at 11 but to work 2 to 7. Or being told to work 2 to 9 then the day before having it changed to 4 til 9. Not knowing when I'm working until the day before. Having my hours cut when I say I can't work a certain day because I'll be in school. Not being able to work my other job cus my one boss keeps screwing me for hours because he's understaffed as fuck and I'm the only one who knows how to do my job. Fuck you Sam.

i would really love to die tonight

Quickly, quietly

god what the fuck

I wish something would go right for me. Seriously. I don't run a blog for a place to bitch about all the bad things that happen to me. I just talk about my life, which happens to be bad basically all the time.

Tonight my uncle tried to kill my brother. He choked him out and ripped off his shirt. My grandmother had to watch this. She almost passed out. My younger brother had to stop my older one from beating my uncle's car with a crowbar. My uncle isn't even sorry.

Over MONEY! My brother worked for him over the winter, and my uncle has owed him 500$ since december. He ignores my brother's calls and refuses to pay him. My brother had finally had enough. He needs the money because he is moving to Texas in a few months and needs to put the down payment on a townhouse. And this is what happens.

Fuck everything.

been seein him alottt :)

we're not offish..but then again i dont really care if we ever are or not. im happy being around him, and that's enough for me. everyone knows and gets it, and that is enough.

had a scare today though. the cuts on my leg started to bleed through my jeans in my civ class. got fucking scared, booked it to the bathroom and tried to clean up. i smudged it and told everyone i spilled coffee on my pants. and they all believed it.

I hate what I've become

I've seriously gained so much weight. I hate it. I'm disgusting. Sure, I fit into small sizes, but the scale has gone up and I can see it in my body. I weighed myself today, and I don't even want to post the number. That's how bad it is. I've resigned not to eat for the rest of the day. Maybe not tomorrow either. I need help. I need help so badly. I hate living this life. I feel like it gets less and less worth it every day. I don't know how people find me attractive, even though they tell me that. They must be lying right? Because this body could not possibly be considered anything less then absolutely repulsive. I started cutting again. So much. I have thirty new cuts on my left thigh, and three on my left arm. I'm trying to cut less on my arm because it's getting to be spring time, and with that comes short sleeves. I already have so many noticeable scars. A few days ago D asked me if I had goose bumps so I pulled up my sleeve and the scars were so noticeable. And that was on my right arm, which I haven't even cut since I was 16. Almost 2 years. And they're still fucking there. They're going to be forever. He stopped talking for a split second when he saw, then started again. I know he knows. I didn't want him to. I don't want anyone thinking that I'm anything less than normal. And especially him. Now he probably thinks I'm some weird chick with fucked up problems. If he saw my left arm? God. There's a good 28 scars on there that stick out like a sore thumb. I'm going to start putting make up over them so you can't see them. No one needs to see that. I'm not out to get attention or sympathy. Cutting is something I keep to myself. When I was younger I used to talk about it with some people. My best friend mainly, but she doesn't even talk to me anymore. Her sister used to cut, and she would talk to me about it. But she stopped. Or maybe just stopped talking, like I did. I hope she doesn't anymore. I would never wish this on anyone. The need for self mutilation is sick in my eyes. It's some perverted sense of self hate that no one should ever go through. Please no one cut. Don't do it. If you already do, stop. If you are thinking about it DO NOT MAKE THAT FIRST CUT. If you're stuck in this hole like I am, TELL ME. I am here and I want to make you better, even if I can't fix myself. I want the best for you all.

the latestttt

Ah. I absolutely adore this guy, D. Like legitimately adore him. He seriously gets cooler and cooler every time I see him.

We went to IHOP for free pancake day with my brother and two of his friends. Bonus point numbero uno, he gets along GREAT with my older brother. That is saying a lot, because my brother usually thinks all the guys I hang out with are big cunts (excuse my French).

Today we had a major cuddle sesh and it was lovely :) and he held my handddd. Ha I feel like I'm 12 again. I can't even remember the last time I had a crush on a boy. I miss it.

Trying not to think about how I'm transferring to Virginia in August. Fuck.

meh.

You have no idea how HAPPY it made me to see new comments when I came on here. It's nice to know I'm missed.

ANYWAY. I haven't weighed myself in a ...week? i think? or two? Because I'm scared to. Plus I know I'm going to get my period any day now and that always means an extra few pounds that I DONT want to see. I'm trying to restrict my eating more, which is easy when I'm at school. Especially Wednesdays, since I'm there all day from 8am to 9pm and I can't afford cafeteria food and I might just have too many butterflies from *insertnewcrushsnamehere*.

Speaking of which. Someone told me recently that my life is like a soap opera, and THEY ARE FUCKING RIGHT. Right now I THINK I like D.

Background: this is so hilarious to me because just a week before he first started talking to me I remember seeing him and thinking "He looks like a cool kid. I want to be his friend." I sat near him on a couch studying for like two hours straight and never said a word to him, and was convinced he didn't noticed me.

WELL HE DID. Enough to tell his friends that he saw a very pretty girl. And one of his friends is in a class with me so he started talking to me so he could introduce me to D. O:

I don't think a guy has ever gone that much out of his way to meet me. But it was pretty intense. Unfortunately, the other friend who introduced me to D now has a crush on me too. God, I feel like I'm in high school again. I did my twelve years, I've paid my dues!

I've hung out with D a few times, and on wednesday he passed out on my lap and I played with his hair. And he held my hand. And he brought CHOCOLATE to school for me. This kid is way too good to be true.

Know what's even better? HE IS RUSSIAN. Like legitimate Russian, born there, moved here when he was 7. He speaks fluent russian (mostly just with his family.) I love listening to him speak Russian. I told him wednesday "please just speak in Russian I want to hear it." And he did :)

That's all I can think of right now. I'll post again tomorrow or Sunday probably. <3

computer is officially fixed

fuck yes. I'm back for good, for REAL.

How is everyone? leave me a comment, i miss you all

longer post tomorrow/thurs

so

I am fat. I don't want to even tell you guys how much I weight. I can't stand myself. I can't believe I let myself go this long. It's over. I'm not gonna live this way anymore. Tomorrow I'm starting a 3month workout regimen. I WILL do it every day. I WILL restrict my intake every day. I WILL drink more water than humanly possibly. I WILL be fitting into those small jeans again.

The sad part is...I still fit into zeros. Just not this ONE PAIR of zeros I used to be able to wear no problem. Can't even get in them. I can wear all of my other jeans still but than one pair. It pisses me off to no end. I'm determined to be able to wear them by summer.

I haven't even been speaking to my former best friend lately. Long story short, she got a boyfriend, got with him after knowing him for not even a month, and has already gone almost all the way with him. She has taken his side in some issues she should not have, and defended him when he accused me of a crime he committed. When I was able to confront her, she said she did not feel sorry and would do it again. Needless to say, our friendship is drowning.

Oh. I got a tattoo. I will upload a picture when it's done healing so ya'll can see it. I won't say anymore about it though.

i live

It's crazy realizing that I've been gone so long and the world just went on without me. I haven't died. I'm still here. My computer is broken again but should be fixed within the next couple weeks. Stay strong all <3