i hate being a liar.

But that's all I do now. I lie. To everyone. About everything. I lied to my Aunt when she asked me if I was gonna try and lose more weight. I lied to my Mom when she asked me if I was sending my boyfriend pictures again. I lied to my friend and laughed about how my Mom thought I had an 'eating disorder.' I lied to my boyfriend when he saw me paying way too much attention to what I eat.

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?!

How do I get out of this? Will I ever? Will I ever be able to erase all the lies I've told to myself? I'll never be innocent. I'll never be perfect. I'll never be clean. I'll never get out.

another night, another fight

yeah we fought again. he says i treat him like shit all the time. i feel like he expects too much from me...like he thinks we're married or something. i wanna be like hey...guess what....i'm not your possession. i'im a gift, not a right.

i am 104% mentally ill?

[x] You have screamed at an inanimate object for “hurting” you.
[x] You have ran into a glass/screen door.
[] You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.
[x] You have thought of something funny and laughed, and then people gave you weird looks.
[x] You have run into a tree/bush.
[x] You have been called a blond.
TOTAL: 5

[x] You know that it IS possible to lick your elbow.
[] You just tried to lick your elbow.
[x] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same melody.
[] You just sang them to make sure.
[x] You have tripped on your own feet and fallen.
[x] You have choked on your own spit.

TOTAL: 9

[] You have seen the Matrix and still don’t get it.
[] You type with three fingers or less.
[x] You have accidentally caught something on fire.
[x] You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose.
[x] You have caught yourself drooling.

TOTAL: 12

[x] You have fallen asleep in class.
[x] Sometimes you just stop thinking.
[x] Sometimes when you are telling a story you forget what you are talking about.
[x] People often shake their heads and walk away from you.
[x] You are often told to use your ‘inside voice’.

TOTAL: 17

[] You use your fingers to do simple math.
[] You have eaten a bug accidentally.
[] You are taking this test when you should be doing something more important.
[x] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn’t realize it.
[x] You’ve looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand/pocket the whole time.

TOTAL: 19

[] You have posted bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen if you don't.
[x] You break a lot of things.
[x] You tilt your head when you’re confused.
[x] You have fallen out of your chair before.
[x] When you’re lying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture on the ceiling.
[x] The word “um” is used frequently.
[] You don’t know what “um” means.
[x] You say “what” and “huh” a lot.
[x] You plan to use a calculator to multiply your score for this bulletin.

TOTAL: 26

GRAND TOTAL: 104

NOW, take your total, and multiply it by 4.
and re-post as: I am ___% Mentally ill.

yet again.

boyfriend fucking pissing me off. like yeah i get it...you don't like my parents. stop spitting it in my face and expecting me to go against them constantly for you, cuz all you're doing is telling me "look i'm not worth staying with"

Do you know what it's like to wanna surrender?

I don't remember when I started to feel depressed. It's been going on as long as I can remember. I remember being about six years old, and falling into waves of depression frequently. It got a little better as I got older, but that's only because I was finding ways to get around it.
First, it was simple distractions. Feeling depressed, go watch a funny movie. Go be with your brother. Go out somewhere. Call a friend just to chat. But that got hard when I only had one friend...and she wasn't very emotionally connected to me. After a while, those little fixes didn't have much effect.

When I was somewhere between 6 and 9 years old (I can't remember...) I tried to kill myself. I held the knife, I did all that. But I wimped out. I told mom after that "sometimes I hate myself so much that I feel like killing myself." She didn't take me seriously.
When I was 13, I started to cut myself. It wasn't bad at first, not deep, just a blunt pair of scissors. Surface damage to the eyes, but nothing to leave a scar. I would do it when I was angry. Usually at my mom. I never let her see, nor did I want her to, but for some reason I felt like I was getting back at her by doing that to myself. A twisted way of thinking, because I was doing it because I was angry and felt like she didn't care, but at the same time I felt she did because I obviously thought it would bother her if I hurt myself.

I didn't realize until years later that the real reason I had kept on cutting for so long (on and off until the present) was because it made my waves of depression go away, or lessen. I hadn't made the connection, but that was why I did it. Because even tho I was angry at my mom, obviously it couldn't change anything, but it helped..SOMEHOW even though I didn't know how at the time.

I can't remember if it was shortly before or shortly after I turned 16 (I'm leaning more towards the before...), I became bulimic. That sounds really stupid. I don't know. I never put a label on myself, and whenever I heard the name, I didn't identify with it. But I guess that what it was.

After years of bingeing and finally it was taking its toll on my young body, I noticed. I was 130 lbs at one point. Not much, they tell me. But I could tell. I felt huge wherever I went. I was aware of every inch of my body. I looked in the mirror and hated everything I saw. I had problems with eating. Once I started, I didn't know how to stop. Didn't know when enough was enough. I'd eat til the food was gone. I felt like a fucking monster. No self control? Then I didn't deserve to keep that food in my body. It was poison inside of me. As soon as I'd finish binging, I'd fall into a pit of depression that only cutting could fix. But I could only cut so much before someone noticed.

I would purge. After every meal. Or every time I felt I ate too much (which was often). I hated it. I hated the way my head would hurt. The way my throat would clog up. The way my nose would run. The way my hands felt in my throat. The way the food tasted the second time over. I hated it all. But I had no other choice.

Only a few months after starting a cycle of binging and purging, I tried marijuana for the first time. It was a short stint. I didn't like it very much. It was more of a trigger for depression than a fix. Cigarettes helped, but not that much. It was more of an erasure than a fix.

I got found out for the cigarettes and the cutting and they came to a drastic halt. I was checked over every day for new cuts. I couldn't anymore. But I so longed for it. Since I was found out, my freedom was lost. I was trapped. I had no outlet. I listened to music, and it mostly kept me alive. That, and him.

A few months after that, the bulimia (?) hit an all time high. I must have lost 15 lbs or more. Possibly 20. It wasn't noticeable, as it was fall time so I was covered with baggy clothes most of the time. But every time someone noticed, it was euphoria. I had control over something. Finally, I had control. I couldn't control my depression, I couldn't control my life, my friends (not many left), or my parents, or my addictions, but I could control the way I looked.

But again, I hated it so much I had to stop. I tried another method. I started counting calories. I tried to eat less than 900 every day. Sometimes I would succeed and sometimes I wouldn't. I started going to the gym. Two times a week turned into three. And I'd try to starve, and fail often, which threw me even farther into depression. I didn't even have the control to stop eating? And I couldn't even cut anymore. I was trapped. I tried weight watchers, anything to cut my food intake. Finally I had control. I was losing weight. But it was never enough. 119 lbs used to make me so happy. It would get me through the day. Then 117 would do that. Then 115. But it kept getting lower until if I wasn't below 110 I felt like dying. I tried to eat less, work out more. I would be dizzy, close to passing out. I would strive for less than 500 calories a day. Cut when I ate too much. No one even fucking knew.

PEOPLE -

[x] ask if I’m bulimic
[x] call me fat.
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[] wish I’d eat more


I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 100 lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] green tea
[] diet pills (that work!)
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE
[x] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair colour.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.


FAMILY
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[] I’ve run away from home.
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.



EXERCISE
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

ED STUFF
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[] I’ve had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[] I love food
[] I want to be this way
[x] I don’t want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority
[x] I don’t want to get better
[] I am in treatment
[x] I’m doing this for me
[] I’m doing this for someone
[] I’m doing this to prove myself.

[] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT
[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[] Disney movies still make me cry.
[] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something
[] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS
[] I’m single
[] I’ve never been in a relationship.
[x] I’m in a relationship.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[] I’ve been the dump more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I’m addicted to self harm.
[] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[x] I’m at my thinnest
[] I’m at my biggest
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[] I’ve taken diet pills
[] I’ve used laxatives
[x] I’ve purged

HAVE/HAD
[x] Bulimia
[idk] Anorexia
[x] Ednos
[] Orthorexia
[] Over-exercising

UGLY you don't deserve anyone. no one wants a FAT girl. don't EAT that. bad. you're DAMAGED. not SKINNY enough. FUCKED in the head. no one wants YOU. you THINK too much. you're too INDEPENDENT. you could be so much better if you were SOMEONE ELSE.