9:11am

I clearly noticed that I didn't get a single comment on my last post. I'm not surprised. Who would say something about that anyway? It's true, and you know it. It's a call out to those who are faking, and I guess almost a cry for help from those who are not.

I don't pretend to be better than anyone else. I need help and comfort just as much as the next person. That's why I'm here most of the time. Acceptance. But acceptance cannot be granted by someone who does not understand.

please excuse me, i'm pissed right now.

All I have to said is I'm tired of hearing fat girls say they're handing their lives over to 'ana.' What the fuck is wrong with you? You think you can attempt to 'become anorexic'? You think this is some kind of diet? A LIFESTYLE?

And another question. WHY THE FUCK are you 50 pounds overweight?? How did you even get there?

Don't tell me about how you 'failed' and 'binged.' You think you're anorexic, or 'ana' is your god? If those were true you would not CRAVE food. You would hate it. You would eat only to stay alive. So cut the bullshit and stop pretending to be someone you're not.

Want to lose weight? Get off your computer and go take a walk. Find some healthy food and stop eating crap. Because that's all you should want. Don't try to 'become' anorexic. Don't lust after it. It's not pretty. It's not enjoyable. It's living every day hating yourself.

This is a NIGHTMARE.

11:11pm

I'm posting again. For whatever reason.

I lost two pounds on vacation. See what my family does to me? Stresses me the fuck out. And then they say I have a 'problem' cuz I'm losing weight but it's their fault.

Make a wish, sweethearts.

*edit*

Is it sad that I'm so scared of being forced to gain weight that I've actually been wearing ill fitting clothes to cover my body? I wear loose shorts and pants, and sweatshirts, because I'm sick of people telling me I should gain weight.

3:25pm

It's one of those boyfriendyellsatyouforeverythingyoudo days. I'm getting sick of it. I wonder why I'm still here. He won't tolerate anything from me. I raise my voice and he curses at me and says I'm treating him wrong. Nothing I do is good enough anymore, unless it's physical.

He literally said "You're not even a nice person anymore so there's no point in being with you 'cause I'm not even getting sex."

Yeah. Whatever. And then he spews bullshit on me for being 'too skinny.' Can everyone please get OFF the Melrose Is Too Skinny Bandwagon? I'M FUCKING NORMAL I'M JUST NOT A FATASS LIKE YOU.

I'm finally on my way home from that hell hole. It was nice in the beginning, but i just wanted to get back home to my normal life and see my boyfriend. Speaking of, i must suck at relationships because he's threatened to break up with me at least four times in the past month. And every time i cry and beg him not to but i don't change for him. am i just a screw up? Like there's nothing wrong with him. He's great. So why don't i put more effort in? I feel like a just get scared by how long term this could be and i scream and run. God i need to get my brain in order.

12:46pm

I've finally found somewhere with internet access. Would you believe I had to pay for it? God, take me back to New Jersey so I can get free wifi in every coffee shop and Panera, and don't have to pay for tap water.

So now that I've paid four dollars to give my blog 2 hours of unadulterated time, I suppose an update is in order?

It's been pretty low drama, so far. I mean the almost drunken brawl between my brother and my uncle was avoided...my aunt hasn't bitten anyone's head off. Oh wait, except mine.

Apparently she went to my Mom and told her I was far too skinny. So mom confronts me. It was like fucking Intervention or something. She is gonna start 'monitoring the scale' and 'watching my calorie intake.' Oh, and I'm forbidden to lose another pound. We'll see how long it takes for her to forget. I'll give it til the end of the week.

When I called my aunt out on what she said to my mom she held to it. She said my hipbones stick out too far and if I think I have fat on my body then I have a serious problem. I told her that my hipbones stuck out when I weight 130 pounds. And then flounced off in my bikini. *fuck you.*

*edit* Mom wouldn't let me eat egg beaters. She said I had to eat real eggs to get some fat in me. And she made me eat a fucking quarter pound black bean burger.

So I'm sitting her in a coffee shop, with my little cousin who's just about to go into eighth grade. She's eating an everything bagel with cream cheese, and a hot chocolate. But I won't say anything. I won't poison her, like they poisoned me. Let her live in peace.

And so we go.

so i dont have internet at the shore house. and my phone only lets me post titles. fuck liiiife