been seein him alottt :)

we're not offish..but then again i dont really care if we ever are or not. im happy being around him, and that's enough for me. everyone knows and gets it, and that is enough.

had a scare today though. the cuts on my leg started to bleed through my jeans in my civ class. got fucking scared, booked it to the bathroom and tried to clean up. i smudged it and told everyone i spilled coffee on my pants. and they all believed it.

I hate what I've become

I've seriously gained so much weight. I hate it. I'm disgusting. Sure, I fit into small sizes, but the scale has gone up and I can see it in my body. I weighed myself today, and I don't even want to post the number. That's how bad it is. I've resigned not to eat for the rest of the day. Maybe not tomorrow either. I need help. I need help so badly. I hate living this life. I feel like it gets less and less worth it every day. I don't know how people find me attractive, even though they tell me that. They must be lying right? Because this body could not possibly be considered anything less then absolutely repulsive. I started cutting again. So much. I have thirty new cuts on my left thigh, and three on my left arm. I'm trying to cut less on my arm because it's getting to be spring time, and with that comes short sleeves. I already have so many noticeable scars. A few days ago D asked me if I had goose bumps so I pulled up my sleeve and the scars were so noticeable. And that was on my right arm, which I haven't even cut since I was 16. Almost 2 years. And they're still fucking there. They're going to be forever. He stopped talking for a split second when he saw, then started again. I know he knows. I didn't want him to. I don't want anyone thinking that I'm anything less than normal. And especially him. Now he probably thinks I'm some weird chick with fucked up problems. If he saw my left arm? God. There's a good 28 scars on there that stick out like a sore thumb. I'm going to start putting make up over them so you can't see them. No one needs to see that. I'm not out to get attention or sympathy. Cutting is something I keep to myself. When I was younger I used to talk about it with some people. My best friend mainly, but she doesn't even talk to me anymore. Her sister used to cut, and she would talk to me about it. But she stopped. Or maybe just stopped talking, like I did. I hope she doesn't anymore. I would never wish this on anyone. The need for self mutilation is sick in my eyes. It's some perverted sense of self hate that no one should ever go through. Please no one cut. Don't do it. If you already do, stop. If you are thinking about it DO NOT MAKE THAT FIRST CUT. If you're stuck in this hole like I am, TELL ME. I am here and I want to make you better, even if I can't fix myself. I want the best for you all.

the latestttt

Ah. I absolutely adore this guy, D. Like legitimately adore him. He seriously gets cooler and cooler every time I see him.

We went to IHOP for free pancake day with my brother and two of his friends. Bonus point numbero uno, he gets along GREAT with my older brother. That is saying a lot, because my brother usually thinks all the guys I hang out with are big cunts (excuse my French).

Today we had a major cuddle sesh and it was lovely :) and he held my handddd. Ha I feel like I'm 12 again. I can't even remember the last time I had a crush on a boy. I miss it.

Trying not to think about how I'm transferring to Virginia in August. Fuck.