salt and truvia

Dinner? salt and truvia. #anorexiaproblems.

How are all my ladies?

Remember me?

Hi.

It's been a while.

I miss you all.

I've been through a fucking rollercoaster this summer. I've spent half of it on drugs or drunk, been fucked over, treated like shit, treated other people like shit, and probably messed a few things up that I shouldn't have.

In the end, I'm just glad I'll be out of this state in five days. I'll be free to move on, live my life the way I want. I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do, dictating how I feel. I refused to be controlled any longer.

Fuck you, you know who you are.

I puked today for the first time in a long time

And I am so upset about it.

Fuck my life.

I was afraid to come back until I had some progress to show.

I do. I haven’t weighed myself in almost 2 weeks. I wanted to wait a full week after the last day I stepped on the scale, but then I got my period a week early and didn’t want to step on the scale because I knew I would have extra pounds of waterweight and because I ate too much.

The last time I checked, I was 119, which is down from the 124 I was the week before. I’m dropping the weight fast, but not fast enough. I’m going to weigh myself again Saturday morning to see what the change is. It better be significant or I think I’ll die.

I’ve been exercising daily (for like three days…. -___- ), but I’m going to keep it up. I’m sick of being a fatass.

Good news though, I was able to fit into my skinny jeans without dying even while on my period. That one pair of Lucky jeans, though, I still have yet to get small enough to get back into.

The thing that kills me the most is that I USED to be so small. If I never was, it would be so much easier to accept myself. But I can’t. I know what I can be. I need it.

I'm so upset I don't know how to deal with it.

I have the urge to cut, throw up, eat, run, jump, bang my head on a wall, scratch something, break something. Anything to output because I can't handle how I feel right now but I can't take any more amphetamines today because I'm afraid they are killing me already. What the fuck I can't.

I fucking love

Working for 50 hours and getting paid for 36. Being called at 1030 and being told not to come in at 11 but to work 2 to 7. Or being told to work 2 to 9 then the day before having it changed to 4 til 9. Not knowing when I'm working until the day before. Having my hours cut when I say I can't work a certain day because I'll be in school. Not being able to work my other job cus my one boss keeps screwing me for hours because he's understaffed as fuck and I'm the only one who knows how to do my job. Fuck you Sam.

i would really love to die tonight

Quickly, quietly