tomorrow i leave

I'm leaving bright and early. I've already overeaten today (almost 700 calories <|3) but it's ok. I'll make up for it over the next couple days by completely starving. Only liquids, maybe some vegetables if I'm forced to eat. I don't know if I'll be able to update but I'll try.

Dear Mom and Dad

Oh goodness where to start. I’m not sure where I stand with you guys lately. Especially right now, this isn’t even the best time to be writing a letter, because I didn’t feel this way yesterday and I probably won’t tomorrow. But I’m frightened for the way you try to control me. And I’m afraid of what you’ll say to me. I am afraid of you.

Is this what you wanted?

Dear Crush.

I guess I should write dear boyfriend, because you’re not just a crush. But let’s not get concerned with technicalities. First off, I love you. That’s old news, but I’ll still say it. Thank you so much for coming into my life, and for all the ways you encouraged me to change for the better and put old habits behind me. For being my friend when no one else was. And for STILL being there no matter how many times I treated you unfairly and held you to a double standard. Even though we’ve had rough times (EXTREMELY rough) you’re still here and you don’t plan on leaving. And I can honestly say that I’ve given you many legitimate reasons to. I hope that we have many more days together and many happy times. I love you babe.

Your girl.

Dear Best Friend...

It seems like lately we’re not even friends anymore. One second you’re around, the next you are gone. You’re rarely ever there for me and when I look back I wonder if you ever were. I see all the times I paid for things you did and kept my mouth shut when I shouldn’t have, and you never repaid me for that. Not that I keep a record, but it hurts to see how much you don’t even care to repay me for the months of my life I lost because I lied for you, and stayed back while you got your freedom. Sure, you told them all about the boy, but not the drugs you took, the cigarettes you smoked. No, you let me take the blame for that. I wish I could let go of all that but you just don’t seem sorry so I can’t. I want to move on, but you show me over and over again that I’m your back up. I’m here when those people drop you. The ones who don’t care about you, and never would they way I do. The ones you give yourself away to because I’m just not good enough for you. So forgive me if I seem cold. But you just can’t understand me. There’s so many things I can’t tell you because you just wouldn’t understand. I’m sorry..

Love forever,

Your Soldier.

i'll be free next week

and actually most of this week too. i'm going to be busy pretty much until july. this week is preparation for the pageant, and next week is the music festival. i'll be barely watched and be able to eat as little as I want. and at the festival i'll be walking and sweating all day. i'll need to keep hydrated, but i'll barely have time to eat anyway so i won't have to. water is all. it'll be so liberating<3

so fucking hard.

I'm seriously sick of this. It's so back and forth. My parents say he's no good and we're not meant to be together and We should just break up. And sometimes I start to believe them. I did once. We broke up. And I barely survived. We got back together. And I can't just do that again. I can't watch him go after other girls again. Like I just die.

this is my attempt at somehow expressing myself

Because apparently I don't do a good job of that enough already. I guess I'm just trying to sort myself out. I rarely say what I'm thinking..and I do what I want in my heart even less than that. So this is just my little way of finding some kind of outlet.