one last chance to reverse this curse

Haha oh how quickly things change.

I haven't weighed myself because I'm gonna get my period any day but I'm pretty sure I'm in the 110 range which is eh. Not even close to the wanted 100 or less.

I didn't go for that guy with the girlfriend. Too much trouble. Fuck thatttttt.

But now I have a dilemma: the music major, the ballsy nice guy, the guy in the navy?

The one who said he'd take me on a date when he came back on leave again (navy) that I mentioned a few posts ago is ON HIS WAY HOME as I am typing this. Yeah. I have no idea if he still plans on taking me out...he'll be here 2 weeks...I still hope. I want SO badly to go out at least once in my life with this guy. It's been my dream since I was 12. I hopeeeeee.

Then there is the ballsy guy. First off, I have SO much respect for him already cus he is BRAVE. The first time he talked to me, I was all over the guy who has a girlfriend. He actually asked if we were together and I said no. He asked if I wanted to hang out and I said 'sure' and walked away. HAha. Yet the next time I saw him, he still talked to me, then we watched a video of the show and he just randomly puts his arm around me. And keeps it there. I barely respond at all, and the next time he sees me he does the same. I admire him for being so ballsy with me giving almost nothing back. I like a confident man :)

And the music major. First, he liked one of my friends from school first then switched to me when he met me. Needless to say, she hates me now. Anyways, I hanged out with him yesterday but I don't think I really like him that way. He's a chill guy, but not boyfriend material. But I'm not looking for a boyfriend anyways....

So this is where I am. I just got off work, and it took me an hr and a half rather than the usual half hour to clean up after closing. FML. Now I'm beat as hell, and have five papers to write. Wish me luck. I'll keep you posted!

ps. ronnie is free <3

If I told you

All the words I've yet to say, would they matter or would you simply turn and walk away? If I hold you would you tell me I should go? Should I chance it, or would it just be better not to know?

Please. Tell me what to do. Should I tell him I'm in love with him? That I have been for five years? Should I tell him I don't care that he has a girlfriend, that I want him to leave her for me? That I'd do anything for him?

Fuck my life.

Seriously just fuck it.

I kissed that guy tonight. It was during the show so he didn't have a chance to say anything til later...and like...he didn't say anything. But he still held my hand and had his arm around my waist like always...nothing else changed...he just didn't say anything. And I'm going crazy because I think I'm falling for him.

We have history you know ?I've known him for years...I liked him when I was 13 but then he started going out with this girl and I missed my chance...they've been together since..four and a half years now. And I kissed him. Why does life never work out for me? Likerealy? I have to fall for a taken man? Whose girlfriend I am friends with? It'd not fair.

I have a confession

Apparently it's something I should feel guilty for, but I absolutely don't.

I went on a date tonight, with a guy who has a girlfriend.

I'm sort of friends with said girl. Ouch.

I asked him if he wanted to catch a bite to eat before we headed to the show (he's the keyboardist and I'm a stagehand). He said yes. Innocent? I knew it wasn't, because it was my intention to maybe make something happen. But then he paid for the food. So I knew he knew it too. Nothing major happened: I kissed him on the cheek before the show started. He shared my cigarette.

Should I feel bad?

But oh, it gets worse. For the second act, I shared a seat with someone from my acting class so I could see a few of the numbers since I wasn't needed backstage. And I may have been rubbing his arm? And he might've been feeling up my leg? Ah.

The worst part is, I don't feel bad at all. Should I feel like a whore? To be brutally honest, I am happy.

The best part: at the show I was so busy that I wasn't hungry at all. I got an avocado roll around 4 and then didn't eat at all for the rest of the day. Tomorrow I'm working til 1 30 then I'll be at the show all day. :) I think there will be very little eating involved. Thank God.

Also: me and my most recent ex are on good terms again. I hugged him after the show and he picked me up. It was nice. I'm glad the drama is over.

I am tired, and I have work at 8 30 tomorrow, so goodnight!

and she's back!

So! I FINALLY bought a new computer! You know what that means? I'm here to stay this time. I'm back. Tell me what I've missed! I feel so out of touch. I want to hear everything. Leave a comment or shoot me an email (yellowspiceisnice@gmail.com) and tell me how your life is going. I will comment back!

Haven't lost much since my last post but I am seriously making effort. I have zero time for exercising between school and work but I'm constantly on my feet at work and walking briskly across campus, so I haven't been a couch potato either. I'm hoping once this semester is over I can get back to cardio at least three times a week. Encouragement is always welcome!

I've had a boyfriend and lost him since my last post. He just wasn't right for me, or I wasn't right for him. I don't know if I'm even cut out for relationships. Two of my close friends lately have said things to the effect of "I cannot wait to see who you end up with, because he's going to have to be everything and nothing at once." So we'll see.

I've made new friends at school. Mostly guys, since I have problems getting along with women. I'm friends with my first gay couple. I've never known anyone who was gay before, and now I know a couple. It's quite interesting. My acting class is my favorite, and my history professor is a riot. Spanish is just a breeze, thank God.

In my one night class, I've succeeded in being asked out by a 21 yr old, going on a coffee date with a 25 yr old from class and having a crush on a married 30 yr old. Isn't that terrible?

COFFEE DATE! With a 25 yr old! I have to guiltily admit that I liked it...I love older men. And I have a tiny crush on a married man. Again, terrible. The 21 yr old is cute, and he's tallllll. I love men<3.

That's all the news I can think of right now, and also that I'm passing all my classes with A's and B's. Yay! I'll be posting again before the end of the week and I hope to find comments from you all :)