8:11pm

I'm leaving AGAIN tomorrow. For vacation this time. I'll have my computer and will probably be posting non stop about my incredibly dramatic extended family.

My grandparents (mom's mother and step father) are coming (they're financing most of the trip), along with my aunt (mom's sister) and uncle and their 4 year old, my uncle (mom's brother) and his 3 year old, and my other *aunt?* (mom's step sister) and her 3 kids (who are all 13 and under), and *uncle?* (mom's stepbrother) and his fiancée.

And then there's my family. Mom who's going through her I'm 40 stage, Dad who is pretty laid back, delinquent older brother, ADD younger brother, adopted younger brother, and handicapped little sister.

So you can see the fucking nightmare I'm in for. It doesn't help that we're Italian as hell, so any kind of disagreement is a LOUD one.

My boyfriend told me today he was worried about me. He said that he knew I hadn't been working out lately (because of damaged knees) and he's noticed I'm still losing weight and it's too much. He said he'd rather I was 130 and healthy than what I am now.

Idk. I can't help it.

So I've finally jumped on the Harry Potter bandwagon. I first read the books when Deathly Hallows came out, after being ashamed of myself for being a big time reader and never having read the books. I read them through once in 2 weeks, then never did again.

Well like a month ago I started again, finished, and started again on Thursday. I got every single book out of the library to bring on vacation.

Does anyone else not like the movies? I never really watched them but I did recently and they were SO different from the books in like weird ways. I'm scared to see what they'll do to Deathly Hallows, but of course I'll go see it anyway.

The boyfriend is buying me a Slytherin scarf, and a Snape t shirt. :)

12:15pm

This morning when I got out of bad my dad freaked out. He told me I was way too skinny and there was something wrong with me.

Mom defended me.

I was shocked. She said he was wrong and I was no skinnier than she was when he married her, and I eat plenty. I couldn't believe it. After all the times she bothers me to eat, she defended me.

11:13pm

I have a rather nasty ear infection that has caused my head to ache for about a week now. It makes everything harder, not to mention, being on so many meds (singulair, antibiotics, sudafed, advil) make me nauseous. So because of that, I had to quick working out after an hour because I was in so much pain and discomfort.

But it was alright. I kept busy.

Tomorrow, I go for an xray to see if I have any bone damage to my knees. I've been having pain in them for years now, and in the past 6 months its intensified to the point where I can rarely be active, and my off balance walking is starting to affect my hips and feet. The doctor didn't even take me seriously. He told me to take an anti inflammatory. Know what that is? Fucking Advil. No thanks, dude. He said if after the xrays and the advil (which I already take plenty of and it hasn't helped) that we'd talk about an MRI. Fuck him. I'm tired of not being able to run and be active. I'm young and I've been gipped, so FIX ME.

4:10pm

Bones are clear and pure. Fat is dirty and hangs on your bones like a parasite.

Amen to that. There's nothing sick or demented about it. Unless you're one of America's finest obese nation, this statement is nothing but unadulterated truth. Fat is not natural. It makes you sick. It shortens your life. It's NOT something you are supposed to have rolls of on your body. It is bad for your health, and your life.

11:28pm

Jeeeez I needa stop posting on here when I'm pissed. I look like I'm constantly angry. Maybe I am. Anyway, boyfriend almost dumped me today because of my controlling parents. They try to keep us from seeing each other and he's getting sick of it. I admit I manipulated him a bit to get him to stay...but I'm not ready for him to leave me. I never thought I'd be that girl who was begging a guy to stay with her. I always thought that if I was ever presented with the situation I'd be able to say goodbye easily. Guess not.

Today was like freedom. I felt empty, lightheaded. And it all came to a screeching halt tonight. Little thing going on at church, food was there. I was forced to eat. The constant questions of "What have you eaten?" I had to. It made me sick. My stomach immediately started to hurt and I felt nauseated to the point of throwing up. Tomorrow will be ok. No surprises then.

Just in case you forgot, if you ever need someone to talk to, email yellowspiceisnice@gmail.com, or IM me, starveonsoldier.

Starve. Starve. Starve.

So I've decided to try and be more positive.

Didn't you try that a few weeks ago?

YEAH. Fuck you. I'm trying again.

But anyway.

Was so fucking hard to do kickboxing today. My knees are getting worse and worse. I can barely walk half the time. And now my hips are starting to hurt. Mom keeps saying she's gonna bring me to the doctor so we can see if surgery is needed (cus I'm in shape and I've been in physical therapy and it's just getting worse). I just want less pain. I wanna be able to walk again.

I've been so depressed lately. I have no idea what to do with myself. I want help. I don't think I can be helped though. It's tearing me away from him. And everyone I come in contact with. I really don't think there's any way out for me. I'll be trapped forever. And if I try to tell anyone they just think there's something seriously wrong with me and I'm unstable.

Who fucking knows. Maybe I am.

what a fuckin couple days

Things is fuckeddddd. But anyway.

I was in DC for a few days. Awesome time. Beer and cigarillas.

Even though I probably slept about 10 hrs the whole time, walked til my knees gave out, woke up wayyy to fuckin early just to do my hair...

And I decided to go to law school after I graduate with my bachelor's in journalism. I gotta stop being so ambitious. Eventually I'm gonna fail.

Whatever.

God, there was this girl there. She started out really nice. And then went downhill. I wanna know if I'm intimidating or something 'cause it seems like every time I hang out in a group of girls&&guys mixed I end up being ostracized by the girls. LIKE WHAT THE HELL DID I DO. She tried to get ass from my friend Chris, and got mad 'cause I hanged out with him. Chris and I drove in the same fucking car to DC. Of course we were hanging out. AND I HAVE A BOYFRIED ALREADY. Not to mention Chris is an oblivious little prude so she obviously wasn't gonna succeed with him.

Grandma's wows were today. Like wedding/vow renewal. Idk, she calls them her wows. It was nice, I sang a song with Mom. The reception went on FOREVER. And they kept bring out all this food. I had to eat. Purged. Hated self.

Oh and then the ride home. I kept bugging Mom about scheduling my second road test. She kept telling me she'd do it. Then she announced that I was not allowed to get my license yet because I wasn't experienced enough.

Mind you, she was the one who never let me drive when I had my permit.

So now my parents are using this as another ploy to keep their claws as far around me as they can 'cause they can't fucking let go. They literally cannot stop controlling me. I'm sick of it. I'll go for my road test by myself and then can continue to ruin our relationship.

Leaving tomorrow...

For a conference. I'm going without any family members (or people who know me that well) so I won't be badgered to eat.

Mom read my journal, I know she did. Dad gave it away (bless him). She won't fess up but she's been asking what I've eaten...

Maybe I'll fast for a day or two. Any takers? How does Thursday (and possibly Friday) sound?

I'm not sure if I'll be bringing my computer, but I'm leaning towards bringing it. I don't know if I'd live three days without dumping my mind out onto this blog...

Need someone to talk to, need a friend, need anything...

yellowspiceisnice@gmail.com

companion blog

I guess I sorta copied the idea from someone else's blog. . Head over to this other blog to see what I ate for the day. Fuck food.

i hate being a liar.

But that's all I do now. I lie. To everyone. About everything. I lied to my Aunt when she asked me if I was gonna try and lose more weight. I lied to my Mom when she asked me if I was sending my boyfriend pictures again. I lied to my friend and laughed about how my Mom thought I had an 'eating disorder.' I lied to my boyfriend when he saw me paying way too much attention to what I eat.

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?!

How do I get out of this? Will I ever? Will I ever be able to erase all the lies I've told to myself? I'll never be innocent. I'll never be perfect. I'll never be clean. I'll never get out.

another night, another fight

yeah we fought again. he says i treat him like shit all the time. i feel like he expects too much from me...like he thinks we're married or something. i wanna be like hey...guess what....i'm not your possession. i'im a gift, not a right.

i am 104% mentally ill?

[x] You have screamed at an inanimate object for “hurting” you.
[x] You have ran into a glass/screen door.
[] You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.
[x] You have thought of something funny and laughed, and then people gave you weird looks.
[x] You have run into a tree/bush.
[x] You have been called a blond.
TOTAL: 5

[x] You know that it IS possible to lick your elbow.
[] You just tried to lick your elbow.
[x] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same melody.
[] You just sang them to make sure.
[x] You have tripped on your own feet and fallen.
[x] You have choked on your own spit.

TOTAL: 9

[] You have seen the Matrix and still don’t get it.
[] You type with three fingers or less.
[x] You have accidentally caught something on fire.
[x] You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose.
[x] You have caught yourself drooling.

TOTAL: 12

[x] You have fallen asleep in class.
[x] Sometimes you just stop thinking.
[x] Sometimes when you are telling a story you forget what you are talking about.
[x] People often shake their heads and walk away from you.
[x] You are often told to use your ‘inside voice’.

TOTAL: 17

[] You use your fingers to do simple math.
[] You have eaten a bug accidentally.
[] You are taking this test when you should be doing something more important.
[x] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn’t realize it.
[x] You’ve looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand/pocket the whole time.

TOTAL: 19

[] You have posted bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen if you don't.
[x] You break a lot of things.
[x] You tilt your head when you’re confused.
[x] You have fallen out of your chair before.
[x] When you’re lying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture on the ceiling.
[x] The word “um” is used frequently.
[] You don’t know what “um” means.
[x] You say “what” and “huh” a lot.
[x] You plan to use a calculator to multiply your score for this bulletin.

TOTAL: 26

GRAND TOTAL: 104

NOW, take your total, and multiply it by 4.
and re-post as: I am ___% Mentally ill.

yet again.

boyfriend fucking pissing me off. like yeah i get it...you don't like my parents. stop spitting it in my face and expecting me to go against them constantly for you, cuz all you're doing is telling me "look i'm not worth staying with"

Do you know what it's like to wanna surrender?

I don't remember when I started to feel depressed. It's been going on as long as I can remember. I remember being about six years old, and falling into waves of depression frequently. It got a little better as I got older, but that's only because I was finding ways to get around it.
First, it was simple distractions. Feeling depressed, go watch a funny movie. Go be with your brother. Go out somewhere. Call a friend just to chat. But that got hard when I only had one friend...and she wasn't very emotionally connected to me. After a while, those little fixes didn't have much effect.

When I was somewhere between 6 and 9 years old (I can't remember...) I tried to kill myself. I held the knife, I did all that. But I wimped out. I told mom after that "sometimes I hate myself so much that I feel like killing myself." She didn't take me seriously.
When I was 13, I started to cut myself. It wasn't bad at first, not deep, just a blunt pair of scissors. Surface damage to the eyes, but nothing to leave a scar. I would do it when I was angry. Usually at my mom. I never let her see, nor did I want her to, but for some reason I felt like I was getting back at her by doing that to myself. A twisted way of thinking, because I was doing it because I was angry and felt like she didn't care, but at the same time I felt she did because I obviously thought it would bother her if I hurt myself.

I didn't realize until years later that the real reason I had kept on cutting for so long (on and off until the present) was because it made my waves of depression go away, or lessen. I hadn't made the connection, but that was why I did it. Because even tho I was angry at my mom, obviously it couldn't change anything, but it helped..SOMEHOW even though I didn't know how at the time.

I can't remember if it was shortly before or shortly after I turned 16 (I'm leaning more towards the before...), I became bulimic. That sounds really stupid. I don't know. I never put a label on myself, and whenever I heard the name, I didn't identify with it. But I guess that what it was.

After years of bingeing and finally it was taking its toll on my young body, I noticed. I was 130 lbs at one point. Not much, they tell me. But I could tell. I felt huge wherever I went. I was aware of every inch of my body. I looked in the mirror and hated everything I saw. I had problems with eating. Once I started, I didn't know how to stop. Didn't know when enough was enough. I'd eat til the food was gone. I felt like a fucking monster. No self control? Then I didn't deserve to keep that food in my body. It was poison inside of me. As soon as I'd finish binging, I'd fall into a pit of depression that only cutting could fix. But I could only cut so much before someone noticed.

I would purge. After every meal. Or every time I felt I ate too much (which was often). I hated it. I hated the way my head would hurt. The way my throat would clog up. The way my nose would run. The way my hands felt in my throat. The way the food tasted the second time over. I hated it all. But I had no other choice.

Only a few months after starting a cycle of binging and purging, I tried marijuana for the first time. It was a short stint. I didn't like it very much. It was more of a trigger for depression than a fix. Cigarettes helped, but not that much. It was more of an erasure than a fix.

I got found out for the cigarettes and the cutting and they came to a drastic halt. I was checked over every day for new cuts. I couldn't anymore. But I so longed for it. Since I was found out, my freedom was lost. I was trapped. I had no outlet. I listened to music, and it mostly kept me alive. That, and him.

A few months after that, the bulimia (?) hit an all time high. I must have lost 15 lbs or more. Possibly 20. It wasn't noticeable, as it was fall time so I was covered with baggy clothes most of the time. But every time someone noticed, it was euphoria. I had control over something. Finally, I had control. I couldn't control my depression, I couldn't control my life, my friends (not many left), or my parents, or my addictions, but I could control the way I looked.

But again, I hated it so much I had to stop. I tried another method. I started counting calories. I tried to eat less than 900 every day. Sometimes I would succeed and sometimes I wouldn't. I started going to the gym. Two times a week turned into three. And I'd try to starve, and fail often, which threw me even farther into depression. I didn't even have the control to stop eating? And I couldn't even cut anymore. I was trapped. I tried weight watchers, anything to cut my food intake. Finally I had control. I was losing weight. But it was never enough. 119 lbs used to make me so happy. It would get me through the day. Then 117 would do that. Then 115. But it kept getting lower until if I wasn't below 110 I felt like dying. I tried to eat less, work out more. I would be dizzy, close to passing out. I would strive for less than 500 calories a day. Cut when I ate too much. No one even fucking knew.

PEOPLE -

[x] ask if I’m bulimic
[x] call me fat.
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[] wish I’d eat more


I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 100 lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] green tea
[] diet pills (that work!)
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE
[x] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair colour.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.


FAMILY
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[] I’ve run away from home.
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.



EXERCISE
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

ED STUFF
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[] I’ve had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[] I love food
[] I want to be this way
[x] I don’t want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority
[x] I don’t want to get better
[] I am in treatment
[x] I’m doing this for me
[] I’m doing this for someone
[] I’m doing this to prove myself.

[] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT
[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[] Disney movies still make me cry.
[] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something
[] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS
[] I’m single
[] I’ve never been in a relationship.
[x] I’m in a relationship.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[] I’ve been the dump more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I’m addicted to self harm.
[] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[x] I’m at my thinnest
[] I’m at my biggest
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[] I’ve taken diet pills
[] I’ve used laxatives
[x] I’ve purged

HAVE/HAD
[x] Bulimia
[idk] Anorexia
[x] Ednos
[] Orthorexia
[] Over-exercising

UGLY you don't deserve anyone. no one wants a FAT girl. don't EAT that. bad. you're DAMAGED. not SKINNY enough. FUCKED in the head. no one wants YOU. you THINK too much. you're too INDEPENDENT. you could be so much better if you were SOMEONE ELSE.