7:31pm

I have done well for once. I'm lingering at about just over 500 calories, and I've almost drank the amount of water I wanted to. I did my homework, I went to work. I did almost 200 crunches, and 50 pushups. It's a good day, lovelies.

I've been trying to give up artificial sweeteners and wheat completely. I'm allergic to both I think, because whenever I have them I get massive migraines. My mom is the same way so it makes sense. Also, I'm lactose intolerant and the only dairy I ever eat is Greek yogurt. If I didn't love eggs so much I'd probably be a vegan. Who knows. Maybe someday I will be. If I could find a healthy substitute for eggs, I'd go completely vegan.

I haven't been exercising as much lately and I hate it. Even though I'm not gaining weight, I'm getting soft. Fuck that. I'm gonna start doing 300 crunches a day, and a weight workout, and some cardio. I need to get back into the swing of things. And I need to lose. Fucking now.

9:43pm

Tomorrow I'm starting full steam ahead with....starving. I won't eat unless I'm made too. I'll drink 3 liters of water a day. I'll go to work and stand all day, I'll finish my homework, I'll be successful in whatever I do.

I do so appreciate any encouragement I get. I don't get comments much, but when I do they're lovely words that definitely go to my heart. I'm looking for a texting buddy. I don't have any friends who are even conscious about their bodies, much less obsessed like I am. It'd be nice to have someone who feels the same way I do there all the time. Any takers?

I bought new sunglasses today. They look very Lady Gaga esque. And I got Hello Kitty and Harajuku Lovers notebooks for school. All those cool college kids will make fun of me. Whatever. They can make fun but I'll still be hotter then them. And skinnier.

Still 108. I'm sick of staying the same weight. I need to lose. I'm going to eat as little as possible tomorrow (which might be a teensy bit difficult since I'll be around people all day) and hopefully be 107 by Monday. I'll do the whole waterbottle in hand I-already-ate/I'm-not-hungry trick. Whatever it takes.

The ex is confusing me so much. One day he'll barely even text me the next he's calling and wants to see me and wants to get back together. It makes me crazy. I'll think I'm doing okay without him and then he sucks me back in again like that. I don't even know what to do about it.

I made a Tumblr that's kind of a companion to this blog. You can see it here at http://melroseavenue.tumblr.com

Abby Lee

“ Sure, we had to be skinny. I lived on Diet Coke and apples for two years. For the couture, we had to get up at 4 am to be sewn into the clothes and there was huge pressure to be thin. But I made a million dollars by the time I was 20, I bought a town house in Manhattan and put myself through Columbia. Does that make me a victim?"

5:58

Gahh. Yeah I've been gone for 3 days. Not a bad 3 days really. I didn't count calories because I was busy starting a new job and my online class. But I definitely starved because I almost passed out numerous times.

I got black leather ankle boots today. Fuckyeah. And two sweaters for when school starts soon. Anddddd I got a mani/pedi today which I TOTALLY freakin deserved cuz today and yesterday I was up at 5 so I could get to the cafe by 6 to open at 6 30. And then had to be on my feet til 12. I don't even drink coffee so I didn't have that help. And all the chai has sugar in it. xP. Oh well.

Tomorrow I'll be killing myself with theology assignments and I don't know if I'll post. We'll see.

I might post in little bitt again tonight.

9:37pm

Ugh. Someone mail me cigarettes. I need them. I have a brother of age, but I can't ask him cuz he's such a dick and will rat me out or something cool like that.

I ate almost 1200 calories today. Just let me die please? I won't eat tomorrow. I won't have to. I have band practice in the morning, and then other band practice in the after noon. And at night...well I'll just go to bed early. I have to work at 6am on Thursday anyway so that'll be my excuse for skipping dinner. And if I have to eat then I'll just have some Greek yogurt, or cottage cheese....yes my plan is good.

The upside of today is that I worked out. My period is a bit better so I was able to. I probably burned at least 200 so that makes me feel a tiny tiny bit better.

A little part of the reason I ate so much is my grandma. I babysat my cousin today (who lives with my grandparents, along with my aunt and uncle) and my grandma and grandpa came home early from the city so they were there most of the day. My grandma has this crazy (ha) idea that I don't eat and need to gain weight. So she went out of her way to make me.

She made me eat this REPULSIVE microwave lentil soup. It was close to 200 cals. YEAH. And don't get me wrong. Lentils are wonderful and healthy. When made from SCRATCH. Not dried up in a plastic packet. Jeez.

And then I helped my cousin make cookies and she fucking made me eat a ton. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?!

Whatever. I'll fast tomorrow. And probably Thursday too. Friday I'll be working from opening til 11, and then I'll be with my grandma again xP getting mani pedis. And going to lunch. Ugh. Fuck.

Help me? Text or AIM buddies anywhere? aim is papermelrose

This totally just made my day.

9:32pm

Today was a yucky yucky day. Just under 900 calories. I'm pretty mad at myself, and I'm gonna use the convenient excuse of my period to justify it. I've been doing so well lately staying between 5 and 7 hundred. As soon as my period ends I'll be starting up running again. With a vengeance.

I can't wait to weight myself after my period goes away. I weighed myself last night (I got my period this morning) and I weighed 110. And that was after I had eaten. Which by the way I did awful yesterday, I ate after my post last night and threw up. But either way I was only 110 which means I'll be 107 or 106 when all the period is gone. Fuck yeahhhh.

I got lemon ginger and chai tea today, since I only had green tea left at the house and I like variety. Also, I got Starbucks instant coffee packets. They work iced or hot. I tried them once and they were AMAZING and so super duper easy that I couldn't resist. Although it'll probably turn me into a hyperactive FREAK, oh welllllll.

Sorry for the allovertheplaceness. Forgive me. I had coffee today and I'm finally feeling ok...

Talked to the ex. Possibility of us getting back together? Idk I need to think a lot about it before I make any decisions. I'm so up and down. I'm ok without him one second, and having a breakdown the next. And then I'll be almost back together with him and freak out and wonder what the hell I'm doing. And I have no one to talk to this about. My parents are so anti boyfriends that they won't really be any help. And 'best friend' is not even around. Fuck her.

I'm confused.

8:01pm

A glorious less-than-600 day yesteryday :) and only 510 today. You should all be so proud of me. I worked very hard avoiding awkward questions, and staying away from poison.

You know what the best feeling in the world is? Not the number on the scale, or the calorie count, or the pants size...its looking at all the thinspo pictures you lovely ladies post and thinking to myself "I'm thinner than her." That's all I could ever ask for.

I am in dire need of a cigarette. It's been like 10 months since I've had one, and it's killing me. Now that boyfriend (or ex boyfriend now) has dumped me, I have no reason not to smoke anymore. He hated cigarettes so I didn't because I love him and I want to do what he wants. But it's clear he doesn't want me around anymore so why should I do anything for him. I'm a fan of weed too, but I'm not taking anything that'll make me eat. Cuz hell no I don't wanna eat. I wanna starve and waste away to nothing, please.

So I interviewed for a job at a little cafe in my town. It's basically a Starbucks, but privately owned. And, I got the job :) so free coffee and money for me.

My brother and I are starting our own little business. We're going to drive down south where cigarettes are incredibly cheap, then bring them back home and sell them. We could double our investment doing that. I could use the cash, and he's itching to do something with himself. Plus, I'll get cheap cigarettes. Hell yes.

Period is coming and I don't even wanna step on the scale cuz I know even though I probably lost, it won't show in the numbers cuz of the extra period ness. Can't wait til the goddamm thing just goes away. I put on my old pants from last fall. They're big x] big enough that I could go like two sizes down. I never thought I'd see the day when 0's are big sometimes and 00's fit. I just want 00's to be baggy. I'll be happy then. For now I just have to be content with the fact that I'm 22 pounds lighter than I was last year at this time. It doesn't sound like much, but when you're as short as me that's a huge difference. I haven't been puking. At all. This is all willpower.

I went shopping today. I got 2 bras, a pair of red Chucks, two shirts, a belt, and two pairs of socks. Guess how much I spent? 45 bucks. Yeah. I'm that good of a shopper. Hate on me xP.

Mom says that when I transfer out to college next year she's gonna buy me Jimmy Choos. OH YES. The dress code for the college I'm going to is business. Like all the time. Skirts and slacks, blouses, heels or dress shoes. No visible piercings besides ears (I guess I'll have to take out my monroe then) and no visible tattoos. I'm planning on getting a tattoo as soon as I turn 18. I already planned on getting it somewhere not too visible anyway, like my back or something. And I'm gonna get that monroe. And a belly button ring. And I think I might get my hip pierced too. Why the hell not. If I don't like it I can just take it out. May as well get it out of my system now before I go to college and get into the corporate world and have to grow up. Who the hell wants to do that?

11:12am

Had another bad girl day yesterday. Around 1100 cals. Boo. Today I will be good. Today I'll keep myself in line. I hope tomorrow I'll see another pound off.

I know I'll never recover because I'm too good at this. Not so much eating less cuz as we can see I've cheated a few times. But I know too well what foods are good and what aren't. How to keep people from noticing. How to keep my metabolism from slowing. How to exercise. I'm too smart for my own good and that's why I'll never get out of this.

But I love it.

2:17pm

So I thought today was going to be a shitty day. I thought I'd be miserable. Then I stepped on the scale. Down a pound. good day x]

11:29pm

Well yesterday was just plain awful. Getting dumped had the opposite effect it should've. I ate way too much. I was around 1270 or something. Kill me now. I threw up once too. Ugh.

Fuck life.

feel free to ask questions.

http://www.formspring.me/melroseavenue

11:11pm

Today was an ok day. I went over my target calories (500) but didn't go over 700. At 677, I am ashamed to say I ate some of my siblings' ice cream when they had it today x[ but at least I didn't have my own. Also did an hr of weights, and 2 miles on the treadmill.

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary with the boy. It'll make or break us. I have very controlling parents, and they want to drive me to the restaurant to have dinner with him. Boyfriend says if they do that, he's breaking up with me.

Great guy, eh?

So I guess I'll be single soon. Whatever.

Make a wish sweethearts.

*edit*

update.

I'm a single lady now. Dad called boyfriend and told him the news. He texted me right away. That's right. Broke up with me OVER FUCKING TEXT. I knew it was coming. So I guess I shouldn't be that upset. I don't know how I feel right now. Tomorrow will tell. We'll see if I break down...probably will. idfk.

All I know is I'm fucking throwing myself into my obsessions. I'll exercise my ass off. I refuse to eat. I'm fasting tomorrow. Maybe the next day too. Hell, the next day as well. Who wants to fucking starve to death with me?

Need people to talk to :( please?

10:28pm

Wicked, wicked day. 720 calories. And only a mile and a half on the treadmill. Let me just die.

Am I abnormal because I hate when people pay for me? Like it just bothers me. Even when my boyfriend does. Ugh.

10:15pm

New meal plan

Breakfast:

Nothing (0)

or

eggs (45-70)

Lunch:

Salad (less than 100)

Dinner:

Half bean burger (105)

or

eggs (45-70)

or

fruit (80) and salad (less than 100)

So even if eat eat the largest calorie option per meal, I'll still be under 500. And that leaves room for maybe an extra piece of fruit or cottage cheese if I get dizzy.

Also:

1 hr resistance exercise

and/or

at least 1.5 miles on the treadmill

Yesterday I ate 620 calories (too high, but still under 700 which is great) and ran 1.5 miles on the treadmill. I felt so good. Can't wait to do it again x]

Reading Wintergirls thanks to the link on J's blog named Eat No Evil (she's got two others). Love it

10:53am

City trip went alright. I had lots of shaked iced green (starbuckssss), and was forced to eat lunch, dinner and dessert (I didn't finish dinner and had only a few bites of ice cream). Fortunately, I spent the majority of the day walking, burning off the excess I ate.

I got a new purse on Canal Street, like I do every time I visit New York. It's a quite touristy thing to do, yet I still love it.

My brother, since vacation, has been calling me Paris, because he thinks I'm prissy. So when I came home with a necklace with a little Starbucks cup on it, and ring with a butterfly on it about three inches across, he started calling me that again with a vengeance. So apparently I'm Paris now.

I'm saving up for a Macbook. My current laptop is 2 yrs old and if used moderately should probably last a few more years but unfortunately I have downloaded just about every harmful program, filled the hard drive, and just all around overused the system. And since I'm transferring out to a four year school next fall, I'll need a computer that'll make it through.

All that to say, I've put 43$ away. Out of around 1100. Yeah. Go me.

10:08pm

I did some things today that I haven't done in a long time.

I ate over my calorie limit. As apposed to my usual 500-700, I ate a whopping 1300. Now, although this is around my BMR, I felt like a fucking pig. My body didn't even know what to do with so much food. Neither did I.

And I threw up. I have not purged in such a long time but today I did. I have no idea why.

And worse, I was caught. Pretty sure I'm going to be put in therapy now, and probably medicated. That's why I stopped throwing up. Besides it being the ultimate display of lack of control, it is too easy to be found out when I'm doing that.

So back to restricting, and restricting hard. I'm going to the City tomorrow, and hoping to have only coffee the whole day. (I gave up on the religious fast, by the way, as I realized my heart wasn't in it and it should be.)

Starve on, my lovelies.

2:57pm

I'm being balsy and posting my measurements...I wasn't gonna do this but why the hell not.

Height: 5'2"

Weight: 109

BMI: 19.9

Waist: 24.5

Hips: 32

Butt: 35

Thigh (R+L): 18, 18

Upper Arm (R+L): 9.25, 9.5

Wrists: 6

Forearms: 8.5

There ya go.

10:34am

Did good yesterday. No caffeine. AGHH. The headache is gone, so I'm good now. Staying under 500 today. Wish me luck.

3:20pm

I'm getting my acrylics taken off....they're bugging me so much and I just can't justify spending 70$ a month on them anymore. Plus I miss painting my nails...

I went camping...and they brought the most vile food you can imagine. I lived on eggs and lifesavers. AND DIDNT GAIN WEIGHT.

Have a massive headache 'cause I started cutting caffeine. I didn't know I was addicted but I guess I was. Next week I'll be cutting out all white flour and extra sugar. Wish me luck.

and so we go.

7:08pm

I'm embarking on a religious fast for the next 6 weeks. Anyone is welcome to join me if you wish, for religious or other reasons.

Week 1: This one is rather simple, with just elimination of all caffeine. That includes coffee, tea, soda (even decaffeinated), and chocolate. Also, in addition, keep a glass of water with you at all times.

I'll keep you updated on what the other weeks contain as I come upon them. I will be starting tomorrow.

This one's about a dream

I had last night

How an old man tracked me home

And stepped inside

Put his foot inside the door

And gave a crooked smile

Something in his eyes

Something in his laugh

Something in his voice

That made my skin crawl off.

He said I've seen you here before

I know you're name.

How you could have your pick

Of pretty things.

You could have it all

Everything at once

Everything you need

Everything you've seen

Everything you've ever had in fantasy

You've one life, you've one life

You've one life left to leave.

I woke up from my dream

As a golden man

With a girl I've never seen

With golden skin

I jumped up to my feet

She asked me what was wrong

I began to scream

I don't think this is me

Is this just a dream or really happening

You've one life, you've one life

You've one life left to lead

I looked outside the glass

At golden shores

With golden ships and masts

And golden cords

As my reflection passed

I hated what I saw

The golden eyes were dead

And a thought passed through my head

A heart that's made of gold can't really beat at all

I wanted to wake up again

Without a touch of gold.

9:11am

I clearly noticed that I didn't get a single comment on my last post. I'm not surprised. Who would say something about that anyway? It's true, and you know it. It's a call out to those who are faking, and I guess almost a cry for help from those who are not.

I don't pretend to be better than anyone else. I need help and comfort just as much as the next person. That's why I'm here most of the time. Acceptance. But acceptance cannot be granted by someone who does not understand.

please excuse me, i'm pissed right now.

All I have to said is I'm tired of hearing fat girls say they're handing their lives over to 'ana.' What the fuck is wrong with you? You think you can attempt to 'become anorexic'? You think this is some kind of diet? A LIFESTYLE?

And another question. WHY THE FUCK are you 50 pounds overweight?? How did you even get there?

Don't tell me about how you 'failed' and 'binged.' You think you're anorexic, or 'ana' is your god? If those were true you would not CRAVE food. You would hate it. You would eat only to stay alive. So cut the bullshit and stop pretending to be someone you're not.

Want to lose weight? Get off your computer and go take a walk. Find some healthy food and stop eating crap. Because that's all you should want. Don't try to 'become' anorexic. Don't lust after it. It's not pretty. It's not enjoyable. It's living every day hating yourself.

This is a NIGHTMARE.

11:11pm

I'm posting again. For whatever reason.

I lost two pounds on vacation. See what my family does to me? Stresses me the fuck out. And then they say I have a 'problem' cuz I'm losing weight but it's their fault.

Make a wish, sweethearts.

*edit*

Is it sad that I'm so scared of being forced to gain weight that I've actually been wearing ill fitting clothes to cover my body? I wear loose shorts and pants, and sweatshirts, because I'm sick of people telling me I should gain weight.

3:25pm

It's one of those boyfriendyellsatyouforeverythingyoudo days. I'm getting sick of it. I wonder why I'm still here. He won't tolerate anything from me. I raise my voice and he curses at me and says I'm treating him wrong. Nothing I do is good enough anymore, unless it's physical.

He literally said "You're not even a nice person anymore so there's no point in being with you 'cause I'm not even getting sex."

Yeah. Whatever. And then he spews bullshit on me for being 'too skinny.' Can everyone please get OFF the Melrose Is Too Skinny Bandwagon? I'M FUCKING NORMAL I'M JUST NOT A FATASS LIKE YOU.

I'm finally on my way home from that hell hole. It was nice in the beginning, but i just wanted to get back home to my normal life and see my boyfriend. Speaking of, i must suck at relationships because he's threatened to break up with me at least four times in the past month. And every time i cry and beg him not to but i don't change for him. am i just a screw up? Like there's nothing wrong with him. He's great. So why don't i put more effort in? I feel like a just get scared by how long term this could be and i scream and run. God i need to get my brain in order.

12:46pm

I've finally found somewhere with internet access. Would you believe I had to pay for it? God, take me back to New Jersey so I can get free wifi in every coffee shop and Panera, and don't have to pay for tap water.

So now that I've paid four dollars to give my blog 2 hours of unadulterated time, I suppose an update is in order?

It's been pretty low drama, so far. I mean the almost drunken brawl between my brother and my uncle was avoided...my aunt hasn't bitten anyone's head off. Oh wait, except mine.

Apparently she went to my Mom and told her I was far too skinny. So mom confronts me. It was like fucking Intervention or something. She is gonna start 'monitoring the scale' and 'watching my calorie intake.' Oh, and I'm forbidden to lose another pound. We'll see how long it takes for her to forget. I'll give it til the end of the week.

When I called my aunt out on what she said to my mom she held to it. She said my hipbones stick out too far and if I think I have fat on my body then I have a serious problem. I told her that my hipbones stuck out when I weight 130 pounds. And then flounced off in my bikini. *fuck you.*

*edit* Mom wouldn't let me eat egg beaters. She said I had to eat real eggs to get some fat in me. And she made me eat a fucking quarter pound black bean burger.

So I'm sitting her in a coffee shop, with my little cousin who's just about to go into eighth grade. She's eating an everything bagel with cream cheese, and a hot chocolate. But I won't say anything. I won't poison her, like they poisoned me. Let her live in peace.

And so we go.

so i dont have internet at the shore house. and my phone only lets me post titles. fuck liiiife