one last chance to reverse this curse

Haha oh how quickly things change.

I haven't weighed myself because I'm gonna get my period any day but I'm pretty sure I'm in the 110 range which is eh. Not even close to the wanted 100 or less.

I didn't go for that guy with the girlfriend. Too much trouble. Fuck thatttttt.

But now I have a dilemma: the music major, the ballsy nice guy, the guy in the navy?

The one who said he'd take me on a date when he came back on leave again (navy) that I mentioned a few posts ago is ON HIS WAY HOME as I am typing this. Yeah. I have no idea if he still plans on taking me out...he'll be here 2 weeks...I still hope. I want SO badly to go out at least once in my life with this guy. It's been my dream since I was 12. I hopeeeeee.

Then there is the ballsy guy. First off, I have SO much respect for him already cus he is BRAVE. The first time he talked to me, I was all over the guy who has a girlfriend. He actually asked if we were together and I said no. He asked if I wanted to hang out and I said 'sure' and walked away. HAha. Yet the next time I saw him, he still talked to me, then we watched a video of the show and he just randomly puts his arm around me. And keeps it there. I barely respond at all, and the next time he sees me he does the same. I admire him for being so ballsy with me giving almost nothing back. I like a confident man :)

And the music major. First, he liked one of my friends from school first then switched to me when he met me. Needless to say, she hates me now. Anyways, I hanged out with him yesterday but I don't think I really like him that way. He's a chill guy, but not boyfriend material. But I'm not looking for a boyfriend anyways....

So this is where I am. I just got off work, and it took me an hr and a half rather than the usual half hour to clean up after closing. FML. Now I'm beat as hell, and have five papers to write. Wish me luck. I'll keep you posted!

ps. ronnie is free <3

If I told you

All the words I've yet to say, would they matter or would you simply turn and walk away? If I hold you would you tell me I should go? Should I chance it, or would it just be better not to know?

Please. Tell me what to do. Should I tell him I'm in love with him? That I have been for five years? Should I tell him I don't care that he has a girlfriend, that I want him to leave her for me? That I'd do anything for him?

Fuck my life.

Seriously just fuck it.

I kissed that guy tonight. It was during the show so he didn't have a chance to say anything til later...and like...he didn't say anything. But he still held my hand and had his arm around my waist like always...nothing else changed...he just didn't say anything. And I'm going crazy because I think I'm falling for him.

We have history you know ?I've known him for years...I liked him when I was 13 but then he started going out with this girl and I missed my chance...they've been together since..four and a half years now. And I kissed him. Why does life never work out for me? Likerealy? I have to fall for a taken man? Whose girlfriend I am friends with? It'd not fair.

I have a confession

Apparently it's something I should feel guilty for, but I absolutely don't.

I went on a date tonight, with a guy who has a girlfriend.

I'm sort of friends with said girl. Ouch.

I asked him if he wanted to catch a bite to eat before we headed to the show (he's the keyboardist and I'm a stagehand). He said yes. Innocent? I knew it wasn't, because it was my intention to maybe make something happen. But then he paid for the food. So I knew he knew it too. Nothing major happened: I kissed him on the cheek before the show started. He shared my cigarette.

Should I feel bad?

But oh, it gets worse. For the second act, I shared a seat with someone from my acting class so I could see a few of the numbers since I wasn't needed backstage. And I may have been rubbing his arm? And he might've been feeling up my leg? Ah.

The worst part is, I don't feel bad at all. Should I feel like a whore? To be brutally honest, I am happy.

The best part: at the show I was so busy that I wasn't hungry at all. I got an avocado roll around 4 and then didn't eat at all for the rest of the day. Tomorrow I'm working til 1 30 then I'll be at the show all day. :) I think there will be very little eating involved. Thank God.

Also: me and my most recent ex are on good terms again. I hugged him after the show and he picked me up. It was nice. I'm glad the drama is over.

I am tired, and I have work at 8 30 tomorrow, so goodnight!

and she's back!

So! I FINALLY bought a new computer! You know what that means? I'm here to stay this time. I'm back. Tell me what I've missed! I feel so out of touch. I want to hear everything. Leave a comment or shoot me an email (yellowspiceisnice@gmail.com) and tell me how your life is going. I will comment back!

Haven't lost much since my last post but I am seriously making effort. I have zero time for exercising between school and work but I'm constantly on my feet at work and walking briskly across campus, so I haven't been a couch potato either. I'm hoping once this semester is over I can get back to cardio at least three times a week. Encouragement is always welcome!

I've had a boyfriend and lost him since my last post. He just wasn't right for me, or I wasn't right for him. I don't know if I'm even cut out for relationships. Two of my close friends lately have said things to the effect of "I cannot wait to see who you end up with, because he's going to have to be everything and nothing at once." So we'll see.

I've made new friends at school. Mostly guys, since I have problems getting along with women. I'm friends with my first gay couple. I've never known anyone who was gay before, and now I know a couple. It's quite interesting. My acting class is my favorite, and my history professor is a riot. Spanish is just a breeze, thank God.

In my one night class, I've succeeded in being asked out by a 21 yr old, going on a coffee date with a 25 yr old from class and having a crush on a married 30 yr old. Isn't that terrible?

COFFEE DATE! With a 25 yr old! I have to guiltily admit that I liked it...I love older men. And I have a tiny crush on a married man. Again, terrible. The 21 yr old is cute, and he's tallllll. I love men<3.

That's all the news I can think of right now, and also that I'm passing all my classes with A's and B's. Yay! I'll be posting again before the end of the week and I hope to find comments from you all :)

Good news

Lost 2 pounds so I'm down to 111. Computer is down so I can barely get o9n but more posts to come!

Quick post

Starved yesterday, ate below 700 today and worked out. Fasting tomorrow, hopefully the whole day, as long as no one makes me eat (like monday :L). I will do this. I want to lost at least a pound by Saturday, because I'm going into the city to see Lion King and stay in a ritzy hotel. I haven't weighed myself, I'm scared to. I'm scared of disappointment. I wanna know I've lost before I do. Maybe next week? Keeping it below 700, preferably below 350. Even better, how about 0 ? I will be 95 by January 8th.

I AM NOT GONE!

Promise. I've just been busy as hell lately. I haven't had time for even facebook. I only go on with my phone, and my phone hates blogger so I haven't been around. But I promise I will be posting at least once a week now.

I miss you all! I'm going to be catching up on all of your blogs. I can't believe I've been gone for so long.

Shit has gone down. First, I'm fat. I'm up to one fucking thirteen. 113. I'm so upset. That's most of the reason I haven't posted. I'm ashamed of myself. I'm back on track though. I fasted for the first time! Only liquids for a whole day. It was lovely <3.

I want to be 95 by my birthday. January 8th. I'll be 18, and 18 pounds thinner. I'm gonna need tons of encouragement on this. I'm already feeling down in the dumps because of how huge I've gotten. I will lose this. I will.

Oh. Theres a guy in my life. Not any of the ones I've talked in the last few posts. He's smart. Nice. Funny. Talented. Going places. Rich.

Yep, I sure know how to pick em.

That is all.

And so we go.

OMGGGGG

So this guy. He's not the one I've been talking about. He's actually more important.

Background: He's been my brother's best friend since he started high school (when I was 12). He's flirted with me since then. Yeah a little perv most of the time and annoying. Either way. We've had a love hate relationship since the beginning.

Long story short, he went away into the navy. He's rarely around. But a few weeks ago he visited, and I texted him saying "come over some time before you leave and I'll make you caesar salad ;)" because when we were all in high school I used to make salad and he'd eat right out of the big bowl because he liked it so much.

So from a little hearsay here and there I heard that he took that small message and favor a little more seriously than I'd meant it, but nothing came out of it so life moved on.

My brother today told me that he got a message from this guy yesterday that went something to the effect of:

"I'm gonna be visiting around thanksgiving for about five days. I want to take your sister out on a date to thank her for the dinner she made me last time I was there, if I have your permission."

!!!

He ASKED my brother if he could take me out on a date!

For the record, a guy has NEVER asked me on an official date. I went out with a guy for a year and we only went out to dinner once and it was for my birthday and not quite even a date. So this is pretty exciting for me. And just that he asked my brother for permission.

!!

Ok. Squeal over. GREAT! Well at least I have 2 months to get skinny! I'd love to be between 95 and 90 then. That'd be killer. <3>

11:06am

I'm glad you all love my legs more than I do. It's encouraging.

So I was back up to 108 for like a week....and now I'm back to 106... I want to be 95 by Halloween. Silly goal day, it has nothing to do with Halloween I just wanna be skinny. Please? I'm fasting today...even though I'll probably fail because I fail at life in general. But I hope I can. I need to. My body needs to be cleansed of all the garbage in it. I might do a saltwater flush tonight, if my parents go out and if I succeed in not eating all day.

Tomorrow I have to go to my grandma's for a birthday party. Food galore. I'm scared :( Someone please be my texting buddy? For that day...I just need someone...HELPPPP

my legs.

These are my legs. I'm sitting down so they look fat(ter). This is the only recent picture I have of myself. More to come.

1:09am

WOW. You guys are awesome <3>

10:56pm

I know. I haven't been posting AT ALL lately. I've been so freakin busy, and honestly I love tumblr so much more than blogger. It's way easier to use and I have more friends on their. No one comments on my blogger lol. If anyone wants to check out my tumblr its http://www.melroseavenue.tumblr.com and just shoot me a message in my ask that you know me from blogger and I'll be your bff <3

Butttt. Anyway. Still been seeing that guy...a lot actually. I'm definitely not going for any kind of romance here. Honestly, I enjoy being single and I wanna stay that way. But I definitely like this guy. HA. Like a lot. But we'll stay friends because that's all I want right now. Plus the whole him being my brother's best friend puts a damper on things..

I have bitten off way more than I can chew. I'm taking 5 college classes, auditing another, I'm in a play (that counts as three credits) and I'm working 25+ hrs a week. That's 21 credits btw. I'm drowning.

I started hanging out with one of my old friends again. We'll call her KT. She wants to lose weight...we're going to do it together. I hope she doesn't catch on to how fucked up I am.

Speaking of weight. Yesterday morning I weighed 106 and I was really pissed off because I thought I'd gained a pound. But then later in the day I got my period and I suddenly felt ok about it. I usually gain 2 to 3 pounds when I'm on my period. Which means afterwards I'll probably be down to at least 104 :) That makes me very very happy.

I'm thinking of taking some body shots and posting them on here. What do you guys think? Let me know and if you want I will :)

Stay strong my lovelies and I'm always here for you all

2:11pm

I did a salt water flush on tuesday, and another on wednesday. Haven't weighed myself since but I will tomorrow morning and see if I've lost. I've started counting again like a ninja. Every single thing that enters my mouth ( I wasn't too happy.) But I also bought some loose leaf tea from work so I can make it for myself at home. That'll definitely help. I got chamomile and green :) Gonna get mango black in a few days(when I have money again).

I've been seeing that guy steadily since I last posted about him (brother still doesn't know). He caught a little wind about it and said reportedly to one of his other friends "If he fucking lays a finger on her or touches her I will kill him." Eesh. Angry. Butttt he never said anything to me so oh wellll, my bad xP

11:17pm

I know I haven't been posting/commenting much. I guess it's because I haven't been very motivated, and a little ashamed of myself. Maybe I feel that way because I haven't been on here though. Who knows.

I've been eating approximately 1000 calories a day and I hate it. I feel huge. I feel nasty. I feel very aware of every inch of me and I hate all of it. Tomorrow I'm getting up at 6 30 and going to gym with the bestfriend before I go into work. And work will be easy because I'll only be able to drink tea until 4 30. Thank god. Wednesday I have school so hopefully I won't have much time for eating (although I made fucking time today. I hate myself.)

I hanged out with that guy again today. We both got out of classes at 3 and we got in my car and just drove...got kinda lost, then found our way back. My mom called me while we were out and I totally gave her BS about being in the library. I feel bad lying. I never used to do that, now I do all the time. I don't know how to get by not lying. If people knew the truth I'd be ruined.

But yeah. That guy...the one who is best friends with my brother...someone thought we were dating today. I was telling her about my college plans and he was there and she asked if he was gonna transfer near me. I got confused, then I realized what she meant. Neither of us cared enough to correct her. We aren't gonna tell my brother we've been hanging out. We're probably just setting ourselves up to be screwed. It's not like anything's happened, though.

8:32pm

I ate more than 1000 calories today. I haven't done that in weeks. I'm punishing myself. No eating tomorrow or Monday til after classes. I hate myself.

10:37pm

Just saying, I love you all. Your encouragement is amazing <3

Update on the guy front...we hanged out again today. I went by my work to chill cuz I was bored out of my mind (I hate days off: I never know what to do with myself) and I was texting him about how lame it was that I went to work when I was bored. So he said he'd come hang out with me :) I didn't even tell him too.

Bahaha.

105

That is the number of pounds I currently weigh as of this morning. Not 105 point anything. Just a flat 105. I feel good :) Five more pounds and I'll be 100. Five more and I'll be at 95 <3

It also helps that I'm either working or going to school or doing homework the majority of the week. It leaves no time for eating. And at work I pretty much just drink tea. Black tea, thank god. I'm not a coffee person, and these 5am mornings would be impossible without tea. It doesn't help that I can't fall asleep til at least midnight and I'm so stressed all the time that I'm constantly waking up. But today I got to sleep in for the first time in a while. It was amazing. I got like 10 hrs of sleep. That's the most I've gotten in like a month.

Today is my day off. No work, no school, only a bit of homework that I could put off or just not do if I don't feel like it. I want to see M today but I have band practice from 2 30 to 4 30 and after that I don't know if he'd want to or if he's working...we'll see. He wants to hang out and play Halo lol. He was shocked when I told him I'd played just about every major video game: Halo, WoW, Medal of Honor, Final Fantasy, Madden...I grew up with 3 brothers. What can I say.

Someone please IM me: mygreenepiphany

6:10

So...that guy I'm into. He came to see me at work today :) and I took my break and we had coffeeeeeee. It was really nice. I enjoyed it.

Some people are telling me that I'm stupid for even thinking about a guy right now, just having broke up with a guy, and that he's not a good guy, or he's not as into me I think. But you know what? They aren't me and I know me. Like it makes me happy to see him and talk to him and when he comes to see me, but when he doesn't, I don't feel like I'm missing something. I have control of this.

Ate like 600 calories or something today. Idk. I had a bagel for lunch. And a bagel for dinner. That was all. But yeah. It wasn't that much. Small bagels with nothing on them. I might do that tomorrow too, but just one bagel.

Got to see some old friends today. It was verrrrrry nice. I hope all you lovelies are doing mucho bien.

10:52am

God, so much has happened.

For starters. I officially told the ex that I had no intentions of getting back together with him. *Brace for fireworks.* He yelled and yelled and said horrible things and I told my dad about it and he said that if he didn't stop he was gonna talk to him. I got a little scared. He wants a bunch of his stuff back and I'm afraid if he sees me he's gonna hit me or something. Idk what to do. Maybe I'll just have dad there when he comes back around. I'm scared.

In other words, work is going ok. I get along with all the girls who work there very well, but the one loser fat guy is such an ass. I've never actually worked with him but I've been in there while he's working and he's such a prick. He tried to blame me for the coffee not tasting right when he was talking to a customer. Not even kidding. I dread working with him.

Enough with the depressing news though. I've got some good news. Since I've been single (almost three weeks now) I've had 2 guys ask me out, one admit he had the hots for me, and another who is coming to see me at work tomorrow and I hung out with last night.

The first two guys who asked me out I've written off. They're not my type, and I'm just gonna stay friends with them. The one who admitted he liked me I've known for like a year now. He's away at college though x[ I didn't hang out with him while he was around cuz I had a boyfriend. And go figure now that I don't he's away.

But. The last one is the one I'm gonna focus on here. The most hilarious part is that he's one of my older brother's best friends. AHAHAHA. I stopped at my brother's work yesterday and told him that the other night his friend had been flirtexting me, and was planning to come see me at work and buy me something as a late graduation present. My brother thought it was hilarious lol. I'm glad he didn't get mad but I wouldn't care if he did. But anyway. Last night, he was over (can we call him M?) and my brother and my best friend both told me he was checking me out the whole time every time I wasn't looking (especially my ass, in the new jeans I just bought, size ZERO). You know what one of the best parts is? HE'S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. Ok. He's not MAJORLY tall but he's tall enough (me being barely over five feet definitely helps out the guys who are into me). He had toned arms/shoulders/chest/back, and like just a killer body. His face is clear and olive toned, and he has a nice smile and eyes. Ahhhh. Eye candy.

So things are evening out a bit I guess. There's lots of bad, but a little good to keep me from going insane. I'm a little sick tho ;( and I can barely breathe. I had to use a nebulizer and now I have the shakes like you wouldn't believe, but my appetite is gone. Yay me.

Weighing in tomorrow I think. I haven't had a chance to because I've been so busy. But soon, hopefully I lost.

*EDIT*

down to 106 xD

8:26pm

62o calories today. I hate me.

I only worked 5 hrs but I'm so fucking tired. Idk why. Probably because I didn't eat 'enough' scientifically. I think I ate too much.

Good thing is, at work there's unlimited amounts of jasmine. Thank god. I wouldn't live without it.

I don't have much to say. Sorry guys.

12:29pm

I can't even describe the feeling of knowing I weight exactly as much as my former "skinny best friend." The name is self explanatory. But now we're not the fat girl and the skinny girl. We're the two skinny girls. And soon, I will be the skinnier one.

I worked out like a fuckin MANIAC today. I did 235 cals on the elliptical (thats what the counter said anyways), 100 crunches/ab exercises, 60 thigh, 30 butt, 30 chest, and 30 back. I feel amazing. I've eaten about 300 calories today but idc cuz I killed myself at the gym.

I will be 106 by sometime next week. Ahh.

4:14pm

Ahh I know that last post was short but I had no timeee and I HAD to tell you all that. I feel so good, being down another pound. It's so freakin motivating. I also lost half an inch off my hips, again not a lot but it's something.

I dyed my hair brown two days ago. Well not totally brown, but I did a ton of low lights (chocolate brown). I did that last fall too but not as heavy as this time. I still have lots of blonde left, so it's like being blonde and brunette at the same time. I love it :) Also I'm freakin tannnnnn

Talked to the ex last night and we officially decided that we're not getting back together. He says like maybe we still can sometime in the future, but I don't know if even then. I guess I wouldn't know until the time came, but at this point I have no plans to be anything other than single. That is always how I've been, until him. But now I'm back to be. I don't need anyone else. And I don't really want anyone else. I guess I'm selfish but I want to live for me now.

I got a car :) it's my brother's old one, and it's a piece of shit but I don't care cus it drives. And it's red x]

107 pounds.

That's all.

8:11pm

I'm about 780 calories today, but I did 200 crunches, and 100 lunges. Not exactly the best work out ever but it's something. Tomorrow I have off work and school so I'll have time to exercise. Probably some running, and then crunches/lunges/squats/pushups/etc.

It's getting easier and easier to restrict. I barely think about it anymore. I don't eat, and when I do, it's not that much. I live on tea and water mostly, and a few vegan 'cookies' that I get from my work. They're amazing.

Speaking of work, I learned how to make a bangin SOY capuccino. Yeah. I did that.

I TOTALLY want the new iPod nano. It's FREAKIN AMAZING. I'm buying it. Donations? Lol.

7:31pm

I have done well for once. I'm lingering at about just over 500 calories, and I've almost drank the amount of water I wanted to. I did my homework, I went to work. I did almost 200 crunches, and 50 pushups. It's a good day, lovelies.

I've been trying to give up artificial sweeteners and wheat completely. I'm allergic to both I think, because whenever I have them I get massive migraines. My mom is the same way so it makes sense. Also, I'm lactose intolerant and the only dairy I ever eat is Greek yogurt. If I didn't love eggs so much I'd probably be a vegan. Who knows. Maybe someday I will be. If I could find a healthy substitute for eggs, I'd go completely vegan.

I haven't been exercising as much lately and I hate it. Even though I'm not gaining weight, I'm getting soft. Fuck that. I'm gonna start doing 300 crunches a day, and a weight workout, and some cardio. I need to get back into the swing of things. And I need to lose. Fucking now.

9:43pm

Tomorrow I'm starting full steam ahead with....starving. I won't eat unless I'm made too. I'll drink 3 liters of water a day. I'll go to work and stand all day, I'll finish my homework, I'll be successful in whatever I do.

I do so appreciate any encouragement I get. I don't get comments much, but when I do they're lovely words that definitely go to my heart. I'm looking for a texting buddy. I don't have any friends who are even conscious about their bodies, much less obsessed like I am. It'd be nice to have someone who feels the same way I do there all the time. Any takers?

I bought new sunglasses today. They look very Lady Gaga esque. And I got Hello Kitty and Harajuku Lovers notebooks for school. All those cool college kids will make fun of me. Whatever. They can make fun but I'll still be hotter then them. And skinnier.

Still 108. I'm sick of staying the same weight. I need to lose. I'm going to eat as little as possible tomorrow (which might be a teensy bit difficult since I'll be around people all day) and hopefully be 107 by Monday. I'll do the whole waterbottle in hand I-already-ate/I'm-not-hungry trick. Whatever it takes.

The ex is confusing me so much. One day he'll barely even text me the next he's calling and wants to see me and wants to get back together. It makes me crazy. I'll think I'm doing okay without him and then he sucks me back in again like that. I don't even know what to do about it.

I made a Tumblr that's kind of a companion to this blog. You can see it here at http://melroseavenue.tumblr.com

Abby Lee

“ Sure, we had to be skinny. I lived on Diet Coke and apples for two years. For the couture, we had to get up at 4 am to be sewn into the clothes and there was huge pressure to be thin. But I made a million dollars by the time I was 20, I bought a town house in Manhattan and put myself through Columbia. Does that make me a victim?"

5:58

Gahh. Yeah I've been gone for 3 days. Not a bad 3 days really. I didn't count calories because I was busy starting a new job and my online class. But I definitely starved because I almost passed out numerous times.

I got black leather ankle boots today. Fuckyeah. And two sweaters for when school starts soon. Anddddd I got a mani/pedi today which I TOTALLY freakin deserved cuz today and yesterday I was up at 5 so I could get to the cafe by 6 to open at 6 30. And then had to be on my feet til 12. I don't even drink coffee so I didn't have that help. And all the chai has sugar in it. xP. Oh well.

Tomorrow I'll be killing myself with theology assignments and I don't know if I'll post. We'll see.

I might post in little bitt again tonight.

9:37pm

Ugh. Someone mail me cigarettes. I need them. I have a brother of age, but I can't ask him cuz he's such a dick and will rat me out or something cool like that.

I ate almost 1200 calories today. Just let me die please? I won't eat tomorrow. I won't have to. I have band practice in the morning, and then other band practice in the after noon. And at night...well I'll just go to bed early. I have to work at 6am on Thursday anyway so that'll be my excuse for skipping dinner. And if I have to eat then I'll just have some Greek yogurt, or cottage cheese....yes my plan is good.

The upside of today is that I worked out. My period is a bit better so I was able to. I probably burned at least 200 so that makes me feel a tiny tiny bit better.

A little part of the reason I ate so much is my grandma. I babysat my cousin today (who lives with my grandparents, along with my aunt and uncle) and my grandma and grandpa came home early from the city so they were there most of the day. My grandma has this crazy (ha) idea that I don't eat and need to gain weight. So she went out of her way to make me.

She made me eat this REPULSIVE microwave lentil soup. It was close to 200 cals. YEAH. And don't get me wrong. Lentils are wonderful and healthy. When made from SCRATCH. Not dried up in a plastic packet. Jeez.

And then I helped my cousin make cookies and she fucking made me eat a ton. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?!

Whatever. I'll fast tomorrow. And probably Thursday too. Friday I'll be working from opening til 11, and then I'll be with my grandma again xP getting mani pedis. And going to lunch. Ugh. Fuck.

Help me? Text or AIM buddies anywhere? aim is papermelrose

This totally just made my day.

9:32pm

Today was a yucky yucky day. Just under 900 calories. I'm pretty mad at myself, and I'm gonna use the convenient excuse of my period to justify it. I've been doing so well lately staying between 5 and 7 hundred. As soon as my period ends I'll be starting up running again. With a vengeance.

I can't wait to weight myself after my period goes away. I weighed myself last night (I got my period this morning) and I weighed 110. And that was after I had eaten. Which by the way I did awful yesterday, I ate after my post last night and threw up. But either way I was only 110 which means I'll be 107 or 106 when all the period is gone. Fuck yeahhhh.

I got lemon ginger and chai tea today, since I only had green tea left at the house and I like variety. Also, I got Starbucks instant coffee packets. They work iced or hot. I tried them once and they were AMAZING and so super duper easy that I couldn't resist. Although it'll probably turn me into a hyperactive FREAK, oh welllllll.

Sorry for the allovertheplaceness. Forgive me. I had coffee today and I'm finally feeling ok...

Talked to the ex. Possibility of us getting back together? Idk I need to think a lot about it before I make any decisions. I'm so up and down. I'm ok without him one second, and having a breakdown the next. And then I'll be almost back together with him and freak out and wonder what the hell I'm doing. And I have no one to talk to this about. My parents are so anti boyfriends that they won't really be any help. And 'best friend' is not even around. Fuck her.

I'm confused.

8:01pm

A glorious less-than-600 day yesteryday :) and only 510 today. You should all be so proud of me. I worked very hard avoiding awkward questions, and staying away from poison.

You know what the best feeling in the world is? Not the number on the scale, or the calorie count, or the pants size...its looking at all the thinspo pictures you lovely ladies post and thinking to myself "I'm thinner than her." That's all I could ever ask for.

I am in dire need of a cigarette. It's been like 10 months since I've had one, and it's killing me. Now that boyfriend (or ex boyfriend now) has dumped me, I have no reason not to smoke anymore. He hated cigarettes so I didn't because I love him and I want to do what he wants. But it's clear he doesn't want me around anymore so why should I do anything for him. I'm a fan of weed too, but I'm not taking anything that'll make me eat. Cuz hell no I don't wanna eat. I wanna starve and waste away to nothing, please.

So I interviewed for a job at a little cafe in my town. It's basically a Starbucks, but privately owned. And, I got the job :) so free coffee and money for me.

My brother and I are starting our own little business. We're going to drive down south where cigarettes are incredibly cheap, then bring them back home and sell them. We could double our investment doing that. I could use the cash, and he's itching to do something with himself. Plus, I'll get cheap cigarettes. Hell yes.

Period is coming and I don't even wanna step on the scale cuz I know even though I probably lost, it won't show in the numbers cuz of the extra period ness. Can't wait til the goddamm thing just goes away. I put on my old pants from last fall. They're big x] big enough that I could go like two sizes down. I never thought I'd see the day when 0's are big sometimes and 00's fit. I just want 00's to be baggy. I'll be happy then. For now I just have to be content with the fact that I'm 22 pounds lighter than I was last year at this time. It doesn't sound like much, but when you're as short as me that's a huge difference. I haven't been puking. At all. This is all willpower.

I went shopping today. I got 2 bras, a pair of red Chucks, two shirts, a belt, and two pairs of socks. Guess how much I spent? 45 bucks. Yeah. I'm that good of a shopper. Hate on me xP.

Mom says that when I transfer out to college next year she's gonna buy me Jimmy Choos. OH YES. The dress code for the college I'm going to is business. Like all the time. Skirts and slacks, blouses, heels or dress shoes. No visible piercings besides ears (I guess I'll have to take out my monroe then) and no visible tattoos. I'm planning on getting a tattoo as soon as I turn 18. I already planned on getting it somewhere not too visible anyway, like my back or something. And I'm gonna get that monroe. And a belly button ring. And I think I might get my hip pierced too. Why the hell not. If I don't like it I can just take it out. May as well get it out of my system now before I go to college and get into the corporate world and have to grow up. Who the hell wants to do that?

11:12am

Had another bad girl day yesterday. Around 1100 cals. Boo. Today I will be good. Today I'll keep myself in line. I hope tomorrow I'll see another pound off.

I know I'll never recover because I'm too good at this. Not so much eating less cuz as we can see I've cheated a few times. But I know too well what foods are good and what aren't. How to keep people from noticing. How to keep my metabolism from slowing. How to exercise. I'm too smart for my own good and that's why I'll never get out of this.

But I love it.

2:17pm

So I thought today was going to be a shitty day. I thought I'd be miserable. Then I stepped on the scale. Down a pound. good day x]

11:29pm

Well yesterday was just plain awful. Getting dumped had the opposite effect it should've. I ate way too much. I was around 1270 or something. Kill me now. I threw up once too. Ugh.

Fuck life.

feel free to ask questions.

http://www.formspring.me/melroseavenue

11:11pm

Today was an ok day. I went over my target calories (500) but didn't go over 700. At 677, I am ashamed to say I ate some of my siblings' ice cream when they had it today x[ but at least I didn't have my own. Also did an hr of weights, and 2 miles on the treadmill.

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary with the boy. It'll make or break us. I have very controlling parents, and they want to drive me to the restaurant to have dinner with him. Boyfriend says if they do that, he's breaking up with me.

Great guy, eh?

So I guess I'll be single soon. Whatever.

Make a wish sweethearts.

*edit*

update.

I'm a single lady now. Dad called boyfriend and told him the news. He texted me right away. That's right. Broke up with me OVER FUCKING TEXT. I knew it was coming. So I guess I shouldn't be that upset. I don't know how I feel right now. Tomorrow will tell. We'll see if I break down...probably will. idfk.

All I know is I'm fucking throwing myself into my obsessions. I'll exercise my ass off. I refuse to eat. I'm fasting tomorrow. Maybe the next day too. Hell, the next day as well. Who wants to fucking starve to death with me?

Need people to talk to :( please?

10:28pm

Wicked, wicked day. 720 calories. And only a mile and a half on the treadmill. Let me just die.

Am I abnormal because I hate when people pay for me? Like it just bothers me. Even when my boyfriend does. Ugh.

10:15pm

New meal plan

Breakfast:

Nothing (0)

or

eggs (45-70)

Lunch:

Salad (less than 100)

Dinner:

Half bean burger (105)

or

eggs (45-70)

or

fruit (80) and salad (less than 100)

So even if eat eat the largest calorie option per meal, I'll still be under 500. And that leaves room for maybe an extra piece of fruit or cottage cheese if I get dizzy.

Also:

1 hr resistance exercise

and/or

at least 1.5 miles on the treadmill

Yesterday I ate 620 calories (too high, but still under 700 which is great) and ran 1.5 miles on the treadmill. I felt so good. Can't wait to do it again x]

Reading Wintergirls thanks to the link on J's blog named Eat No Evil (she's got two others). Love it

10:53am

City trip went alright. I had lots of shaked iced green (starbuckssss), and was forced to eat lunch, dinner and dessert (I didn't finish dinner and had only a few bites of ice cream). Fortunately, I spent the majority of the day walking, burning off the excess I ate.

I got a new purse on Canal Street, like I do every time I visit New York. It's a quite touristy thing to do, yet I still love it.

My brother, since vacation, has been calling me Paris, because he thinks I'm prissy. So when I came home with a necklace with a little Starbucks cup on it, and ring with a butterfly on it about three inches across, he started calling me that again with a vengeance. So apparently I'm Paris now.

I'm saving up for a Macbook. My current laptop is 2 yrs old and if used moderately should probably last a few more years but unfortunately I have downloaded just about every harmful program, filled the hard drive, and just all around overused the system. And since I'm transferring out to a four year school next fall, I'll need a computer that'll make it through.

All that to say, I've put 43$ away. Out of around 1100. Yeah. Go me.

10:08pm

I did some things today that I haven't done in a long time.

I ate over my calorie limit. As apposed to my usual 500-700, I ate a whopping 1300. Now, although this is around my BMR, I felt like a fucking pig. My body didn't even know what to do with so much food. Neither did I.

And I threw up. I have not purged in such a long time but today I did. I have no idea why.

And worse, I was caught. Pretty sure I'm going to be put in therapy now, and probably medicated. That's why I stopped throwing up. Besides it being the ultimate display of lack of control, it is too easy to be found out when I'm doing that.

So back to restricting, and restricting hard. I'm going to the City tomorrow, and hoping to have only coffee the whole day. (I gave up on the religious fast, by the way, as I realized my heart wasn't in it and it should be.)

Starve on, my lovelies.

2:57pm

I'm being balsy and posting my measurements...I wasn't gonna do this but why the hell not.

Height: 5'2"

Weight: 109

BMI: 19.9

Waist: 24.5

Hips: 32

Butt: 35

Thigh (R+L): 18, 18

Upper Arm (R+L): 9.25, 9.5

Wrists: 6

Forearms: 8.5

There ya go.

10:34am

Did good yesterday. No caffeine. AGHH. The headache is gone, so I'm good now. Staying under 500 today. Wish me luck.

3:20pm

I'm getting my acrylics taken off....they're bugging me so much and I just can't justify spending 70$ a month on them anymore. Plus I miss painting my nails...

I went camping...and they brought the most vile food you can imagine. I lived on eggs and lifesavers. AND DIDNT GAIN WEIGHT.

Have a massive headache 'cause I started cutting caffeine. I didn't know I was addicted but I guess I was. Next week I'll be cutting out all white flour and extra sugar. Wish me luck.

and so we go.

7:08pm

I'm embarking on a religious fast for the next 6 weeks. Anyone is welcome to join me if you wish, for religious or other reasons.

Week 1: This one is rather simple, with just elimination of all caffeine. That includes coffee, tea, soda (even decaffeinated), and chocolate. Also, in addition, keep a glass of water with you at all times.

I'll keep you updated on what the other weeks contain as I come upon them. I will be starting tomorrow.

This one's about a dream

I had last night

How an old man tracked me home

And stepped inside

Put his foot inside the door

And gave a crooked smile

Something in his eyes

Something in his laugh

Something in his voice

That made my skin crawl off.

He said I've seen you here before

I know you're name.

How you could have your pick

Of pretty things.

You could have it all

Everything at once

Everything you need

Everything you've seen

Everything you've ever had in fantasy

You've one life, you've one life

You've one life left to leave.

I woke up from my dream

As a golden man

With a girl I've never seen

With golden skin

I jumped up to my feet

She asked me what was wrong

I began to scream

I don't think this is me

Is this just a dream or really happening

You've one life, you've one life

You've one life left to lead

I looked outside the glass

At golden shores

With golden ships and masts

And golden cords

As my reflection passed

I hated what I saw

The golden eyes were dead

And a thought passed through my head

A heart that's made of gold can't really beat at all

I wanted to wake up again

Without a touch of gold.

9:11am

I clearly noticed that I didn't get a single comment on my last post. I'm not surprised. Who would say something about that anyway? It's true, and you know it. It's a call out to those who are faking, and I guess almost a cry for help from those who are not.

I don't pretend to be better than anyone else. I need help and comfort just as much as the next person. That's why I'm here most of the time. Acceptance. But acceptance cannot be granted by someone who does not understand.

please excuse me, i'm pissed right now.

All I have to said is I'm tired of hearing fat girls say they're handing their lives over to 'ana.' What the fuck is wrong with you? You think you can attempt to 'become anorexic'? You think this is some kind of diet? A LIFESTYLE?

And another question. WHY THE FUCK are you 50 pounds overweight?? How did you even get there?

Don't tell me about how you 'failed' and 'binged.' You think you're anorexic, or 'ana' is your god? If those were true you would not CRAVE food. You would hate it. You would eat only to stay alive. So cut the bullshit and stop pretending to be someone you're not.

Want to lose weight? Get off your computer and go take a walk. Find some healthy food and stop eating crap. Because that's all you should want. Don't try to 'become' anorexic. Don't lust after it. It's not pretty. It's not enjoyable. It's living every day hating yourself.

This is a NIGHTMARE.

11:11pm

I'm posting again. For whatever reason.

I lost two pounds on vacation. See what my family does to me? Stresses me the fuck out. And then they say I have a 'problem' cuz I'm losing weight but it's their fault.

Make a wish, sweethearts.

*edit*

Is it sad that I'm so scared of being forced to gain weight that I've actually been wearing ill fitting clothes to cover my body? I wear loose shorts and pants, and sweatshirts, because I'm sick of people telling me I should gain weight.

3:25pm

It's one of those boyfriendyellsatyouforeverythingyoudo days. I'm getting sick of it. I wonder why I'm still here. He won't tolerate anything from me. I raise my voice and he curses at me and says I'm treating him wrong. Nothing I do is good enough anymore, unless it's physical.

He literally said "You're not even a nice person anymore so there's no point in being with you 'cause I'm not even getting sex."

Yeah. Whatever. And then he spews bullshit on me for being 'too skinny.' Can everyone please get OFF the Melrose Is Too Skinny Bandwagon? I'M FUCKING NORMAL I'M JUST NOT A FATASS LIKE YOU.

I'm finally on my way home from that hell hole. It was nice in the beginning, but i just wanted to get back home to my normal life and see my boyfriend. Speaking of, i must suck at relationships because he's threatened to break up with me at least four times in the past month. And every time i cry and beg him not to but i don't change for him. am i just a screw up? Like there's nothing wrong with him. He's great. So why don't i put more effort in? I feel like a just get scared by how long term this could be and i scream and run. God i need to get my brain in order.

12:46pm

I've finally found somewhere with internet access. Would you believe I had to pay for it? God, take me back to New Jersey so I can get free wifi in every coffee shop and Panera, and don't have to pay for tap water.

So now that I've paid four dollars to give my blog 2 hours of unadulterated time, I suppose an update is in order?

It's been pretty low drama, so far. I mean the almost drunken brawl between my brother and my uncle was avoided...my aunt hasn't bitten anyone's head off. Oh wait, except mine.

Apparently she went to my Mom and told her I was far too skinny. So mom confronts me. It was like fucking Intervention or something. She is gonna start 'monitoring the scale' and 'watching my calorie intake.' Oh, and I'm forbidden to lose another pound. We'll see how long it takes for her to forget. I'll give it til the end of the week.

When I called my aunt out on what she said to my mom she held to it. She said my hipbones stick out too far and if I think I have fat on my body then I have a serious problem. I told her that my hipbones stuck out when I weight 130 pounds. And then flounced off in my bikini. *fuck you.*

*edit* Mom wouldn't let me eat egg beaters. She said I had to eat real eggs to get some fat in me. And she made me eat a fucking quarter pound black bean burger.

So I'm sitting her in a coffee shop, with my little cousin who's just about to go into eighth grade. She's eating an everything bagel with cream cheese, and a hot chocolate. But I won't say anything. I won't poison her, like they poisoned me. Let her live in peace.

And so we go.

so i dont have internet at the shore house. and my phone only lets me post titles. fuck liiiife

8:11pm

I'm leaving AGAIN tomorrow. For vacation this time. I'll have my computer and will probably be posting non stop about my incredibly dramatic extended family.

My grandparents (mom's mother and step father) are coming (they're financing most of the trip), along with my aunt (mom's sister) and uncle and their 4 year old, my uncle (mom's brother) and his 3 year old, and my other *aunt?* (mom's step sister) and her 3 kids (who are all 13 and under), and *uncle?* (mom's stepbrother) and his fiancée.

And then there's my family. Mom who's going through her I'm 40 stage, Dad who is pretty laid back, delinquent older brother, ADD younger brother, adopted younger brother, and handicapped little sister.

So you can see the fucking nightmare I'm in for. It doesn't help that we're Italian as hell, so any kind of disagreement is a LOUD one.

My boyfriend told me today he was worried about me. He said that he knew I hadn't been working out lately (because of damaged knees) and he's noticed I'm still losing weight and it's too much. He said he'd rather I was 130 and healthy than what I am now.

Idk. I can't help it.

So I've finally jumped on the Harry Potter bandwagon. I first read the books when Deathly Hallows came out, after being ashamed of myself for being a big time reader and never having read the books. I read them through once in 2 weeks, then never did again.

Well like a month ago I started again, finished, and started again on Thursday. I got every single book out of the library to bring on vacation.

Does anyone else not like the movies? I never really watched them but I did recently and they were SO different from the books in like weird ways. I'm scared to see what they'll do to Deathly Hallows, but of course I'll go see it anyway.

The boyfriend is buying me a Slytherin scarf, and a Snape t shirt. :)

12:15pm

This morning when I got out of bad my dad freaked out. He told me I was way too skinny and there was something wrong with me.

Mom defended me.

I was shocked. She said he was wrong and I was no skinnier than she was when he married her, and I eat plenty. I couldn't believe it. After all the times she bothers me to eat, she defended me.

11:13pm

I have a rather nasty ear infection that has caused my head to ache for about a week now. It makes everything harder, not to mention, being on so many meds (singulair, antibiotics, sudafed, advil) make me nauseous. So because of that, I had to quick working out after an hour because I was in so much pain and discomfort.

But it was alright. I kept busy.

Tomorrow, I go for an xray to see if I have any bone damage to my knees. I've been having pain in them for years now, and in the past 6 months its intensified to the point where I can rarely be active, and my off balance walking is starting to affect my hips and feet. The doctor didn't even take me seriously. He told me to take an anti inflammatory. Know what that is? Fucking Advil. No thanks, dude. He said if after the xrays and the advil (which I already take plenty of and it hasn't helped) that we'd talk about an MRI. Fuck him. I'm tired of not being able to run and be active. I'm young and I've been gipped, so FIX ME.

4:10pm

Bones are clear and pure. Fat is dirty and hangs on your bones like a parasite.

Amen to that. There's nothing sick or demented about it. Unless you're one of America's finest obese nation, this statement is nothing but unadulterated truth. Fat is not natural. It makes you sick. It shortens your life. It's NOT something you are supposed to have rolls of on your body. It is bad for your health, and your life.

11:28pm

Jeeeez I needa stop posting on here when I'm pissed. I look like I'm constantly angry. Maybe I am. Anyway, boyfriend almost dumped me today because of my controlling parents. They try to keep us from seeing each other and he's getting sick of it. I admit I manipulated him a bit to get him to stay...but I'm not ready for him to leave me. I never thought I'd be that girl who was begging a guy to stay with her. I always thought that if I was ever presented with the situation I'd be able to say goodbye easily. Guess not.

Today was like freedom. I felt empty, lightheaded. And it all came to a screeching halt tonight. Little thing going on at church, food was there. I was forced to eat. The constant questions of "What have you eaten?" I had to. It made me sick. My stomach immediately started to hurt and I felt nauseated to the point of throwing up. Tomorrow will be ok. No surprises then.

Just in case you forgot, if you ever need someone to talk to, email yellowspiceisnice@gmail.com, or IM me, starveonsoldier.

Starve. Starve. Starve.

So I've decided to try and be more positive.

Didn't you try that a few weeks ago?

YEAH. Fuck you. I'm trying again.

But anyway.

Was so fucking hard to do kickboxing today. My knees are getting worse and worse. I can barely walk half the time. And now my hips are starting to hurt. Mom keeps saying she's gonna bring me to the doctor so we can see if surgery is needed (cus I'm in shape and I've been in physical therapy and it's just getting worse). I just want less pain. I wanna be able to walk again.

I've been so depressed lately. I have no idea what to do with myself. I want help. I don't think I can be helped though. It's tearing me away from him. And everyone I come in contact with. I really don't think there's any way out for me. I'll be trapped forever. And if I try to tell anyone they just think there's something seriously wrong with me and I'm unstable.

Who fucking knows. Maybe I am.

what a fuckin couple days

Things is fuckeddddd. But anyway.

I was in DC for a few days. Awesome time. Beer and cigarillas.

Even though I probably slept about 10 hrs the whole time, walked til my knees gave out, woke up wayyy to fuckin early just to do my hair...

And I decided to go to law school after I graduate with my bachelor's in journalism. I gotta stop being so ambitious. Eventually I'm gonna fail.

Whatever.

God, there was this girl there. She started out really nice. And then went downhill. I wanna know if I'm intimidating or something 'cause it seems like every time I hang out in a group of girls&&guys mixed I end up being ostracized by the girls. LIKE WHAT THE HELL DID I DO. She tried to get ass from my friend Chris, and got mad 'cause I hanged out with him. Chris and I drove in the same fucking car to DC. Of course we were hanging out. AND I HAVE A BOYFRIED ALREADY. Not to mention Chris is an oblivious little prude so she obviously wasn't gonna succeed with him.

Grandma's wows were today. Like wedding/vow renewal. Idk, she calls them her wows. It was nice, I sang a song with Mom. The reception went on FOREVER. And they kept bring out all this food. I had to eat. Purged. Hated self.

Oh and then the ride home. I kept bugging Mom about scheduling my second road test. She kept telling me she'd do it. Then she announced that I was not allowed to get my license yet because I wasn't experienced enough.

Mind you, she was the one who never let me drive when I had my permit.

So now my parents are using this as another ploy to keep their claws as far around me as they can 'cause they can't fucking let go. They literally cannot stop controlling me. I'm sick of it. I'll go for my road test by myself and then can continue to ruin our relationship.

Leaving tomorrow...

For a conference. I'm going without any family members (or people who know me that well) so I won't be badgered to eat.

Mom read my journal, I know she did. Dad gave it away (bless him). She won't fess up but she's been asking what I've eaten...

Maybe I'll fast for a day or two. Any takers? How does Thursday (and possibly Friday) sound?

I'm not sure if I'll be bringing my computer, but I'm leaning towards bringing it. I don't know if I'd live three days without dumping my mind out onto this blog...

Need someone to talk to, need a friend, need anything...

yellowspiceisnice@gmail.com

companion blog

I guess I sorta copied the idea from someone else's blog. . Head over to this other blog to see what I ate for the day. Fuck food.

i hate being a liar.

But that's all I do now. I lie. To everyone. About everything. I lied to my Aunt when she asked me if I was gonna try and lose more weight. I lied to my Mom when she asked me if I was sending my boyfriend pictures again. I lied to my friend and laughed about how my Mom thought I had an 'eating disorder.' I lied to my boyfriend when he saw me paying way too much attention to what I eat.

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?!

How do I get out of this? Will I ever? Will I ever be able to erase all the lies I've told to myself? I'll never be innocent. I'll never be perfect. I'll never be clean. I'll never get out.

another night, another fight

yeah we fought again. he says i treat him like shit all the time. i feel like he expects too much from me...like he thinks we're married or something. i wanna be like hey...guess what....i'm not your possession. i'im a gift, not a right.

i am 104% mentally ill?

[x] You have screamed at an inanimate object for “hurting” you.
[x] You have ran into a glass/screen door.
[] You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.
[x] You have thought of something funny and laughed, and then people gave you weird looks.
[x] You have run into a tree/bush.
[x] You have been called a blond.
TOTAL: 5

[x] You know that it IS possible to lick your elbow.
[] You just tried to lick your elbow.
[x] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same melody.
[] You just sang them to make sure.
[x] You have tripped on your own feet and fallen.
[x] You have choked on your own spit.

TOTAL: 9

[] You have seen the Matrix and still don’t get it.
[] You type with three fingers or less.
[x] You have accidentally caught something on fire.
[x] You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose.
[x] You have caught yourself drooling.

TOTAL: 12

[x] You have fallen asleep in class.
[x] Sometimes you just stop thinking.
[x] Sometimes when you are telling a story you forget what you are talking about.
[x] People often shake their heads and walk away from you.
[x] You are often told to use your ‘inside voice’.

TOTAL: 17

[] You use your fingers to do simple math.
[] You have eaten a bug accidentally.
[] You are taking this test when you should be doing something more important.
[x] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn’t realize it.
[x] You’ve looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand/pocket the whole time.

TOTAL: 19

[] You have posted bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen if you don't.
[x] You break a lot of things.
[x] You tilt your head when you’re confused.
[x] You have fallen out of your chair before.
[x] When you’re lying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture on the ceiling.
[x] The word “um” is used frequently.
[] You don’t know what “um” means.
[x] You say “what” and “huh” a lot.
[x] You plan to use a calculator to multiply your score for this bulletin.

TOTAL: 26

GRAND TOTAL: 104

NOW, take your total, and multiply it by 4.
and re-post as: I am ___% Mentally ill.

yet again.

boyfriend fucking pissing me off. like yeah i get it...you don't like my parents. stop spitting it in my face and expecting me to go against them constantly for you, cuz all you're doing is telling me "look i'm not worth staying with"

Do you know what it's like to wanna surrender?

I don't remember when I started to feel depressed. It's been going on as long as I can remember. I remember being about six years old, and falling into waves of depression frequently. It got a little better as I got older, but that's only because I was finding ways to get around it.
First, it was simple distractions. Feeling depressed, go watch a funny movie. Go be with your brother. Go out somewhere. Call a friend just to chat. But that got hard when I only had one friend...and she wasn't very emotionally connected to me. After a while, those little fixes didn't have much effect.

When I was somewhere between 6 and 9 years old (I can't remember...) I tried to kill myself. I held the knife, I did all that. But I wimped out. I told mom after that "sometimes I hate myself so much that I feel like killing myself." She didn't take me seriously.
When I was 13, I started to cut myself. It wasn't bad at first, not deep, just a blunt pair of scissors. Surface damage to the eyes, but nothing to leave a scar. I would do it when I was angry. Usually at my mom. I never let her see, nor did I want her to, but for some reason I felt like I was getting back at her by doing that to myself. A twisted way of thinking, because I was doing it because I was angry and felt like she didn't care, but at the same time I felt she did because I obviously thought it would bother her if I hurt myself.

I didn't realize until years later that the real reason I had kept on cutting for so long (on and off until the present) was because it made my waves of depression go away, or lessen. I hadn't made the connection, but that was why I did it. Because even tho I was angry at my mom, obviously it couldn't change anything, but it helped..SOMEHOW even though I didn't know how at the time.

I can't remember if it was shortly before or shortly after I turned 16 (I'm leaning more towards the before...), I became bulimic. That sounds really stupid. I don't know. I never put a label on myself, and whenever I heard the name, I didn't identify with it. But I guess that what it was.

After years of bingeing and finally it was taking its toll on my young body, I noticed. I was 130 lbs at one point. Not much, they tell me. But I could tell. I felt huge wherever I went. I was aware of every inch of my body. I looked in the mirror and hated everything I saw. I had problems with eating. Once I started, I didn't know how to stop. Didn't know when enough was enough. I'd eat til the food was gone. I felt like a fucking monster. No self control? Then I didn't deserve to keep that food in my body. It was poison inside of me. As soon as I'd finish binging, I'd fall into a pit of depression that only cutting could fix. But I could only cut so much before someone noticed.

I would purge. After every meal. Or every time I felt I ate too much (which was often). I hated it. I hated the way my head would hurt. The way my throat would clog up. The way my nose would run. The way my hands felt in my throat. The way the food tasted the second time over. I hated it all. But I had no other choice.

Only a few months after starting a cycle of binging and purging, I tried marijuana for the first time. It was a short stint. I didn't like it very much. It was more of a trigger for depression than a fix. Cigarettes helped, but not that much. It was more of an erasure than a fix.

I got found out for the cigarettes and the cutting and they came to a drastic halt. I was checked over every day for new cuts. I couldn't anymore. But I so longed for it. Since I was found out, my freedom was lost. I was trapped. I had no outlet. I listened to music, and it mostly kept me alive. That, and him.

A few months after that, the bulimia (?) hit an all time high. I must have lost 15 lbs or more. Possibly 20. It wasn't noticeable, as it was fall time so I was covered with baggy clothes most of the time. But every time someone noticed, it was euphoria. I had control over something. Finally, I had control. I couldn't control my depression, I couldn't control my life, my friends (not many left), or my parents, or my addictions, but I could control the way I looked.

But again, I hated it so much I had to stop. I tried another method. I started counting calories. I tried to eat less than 900 every day. Sometimes I would succeed and sometimes I wouldn't. I started going to the gym. Two times a week turned into three. And I'd try to starve, and fail often, which threw me even farther into depression. I didn't even have the control to stop eating? And I couldn't even cut anymore. I was trapped. I tried weight watchers, anything to cut my food intake. Finally I had control. I was losing weight. But it was never enough. 119 lbs used to make me so happy. It would get me through the day. Then 117 would do that. Then 115. But it kept getting lower until if I wasn't below 110 I felt like dying. I tried to eat less, work out more. I would be dizzy, close to passing out. I would strive for less than 500 calories a day. Cut when I ate too much. No one even fucking knew.

PEOPLE -

[x] ask if I’m bulimic
[x] call me fat.
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[] wish I’d eat more


I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 100 lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] green tea
[] diet pills (that work!)
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE
[x] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair colour.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.


FAMILY
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[] I’ve run away from home.
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.



EXERCISE
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

ED STUFF
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[] I’ve had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[] I love food
[] I want to be this way
[x] I don’t want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority
[x] I don’t want to get better
[] I am in treatment
[x] I’m doing this for me
[] I’m doing this for someone
[] I’m doing this to prove myself.

[] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT
[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[] Disney movies still make me cry.
[] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something
[] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS
[] I’m single
[] I’ve never been in a relationship.
[x] I’m in a relationship.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[] I’ve been the dump more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I’m addicted to self harm.
[] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[x] I’m at my thinnest
[] I’m at my biggest
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[] I’ve taken diet pills
[] I’ve used laxatives
[x] I’ve purged

HAVE/HAD
[x] Bulimia
[idk] Anorexia
[x] Ednos
[] Orthorexia
[] Over-exercising

UGLY you don't deserve anyone. no one wants a FAT girl. don't EAT that. bad. you're DAMAGED. not SKINNY enough. FUCKED in the head. no one wants YOU. you THINK too much. you're too INDEPENDENT. you could be so much better if you were SOMEONE ELSE.

tomorrow i leave

I'm leaving bright and early. I've already overeaten today (almost 700 calories <|3) but it's ok. I'll make up for it over the next couple days by completely starving. Only liquids, maybe some vegetables if I'm forced to eat. I don't know if I'll be able to update but I'll try.

Dear Mom and Dad

Oh goodness where to start. I’m not sure where I stand with you guys lately. Especially right now, this isn’t even the best time to be writing a letter, because I didn’t feel this way yesterday and I probably won’t tomorrow. But I’m frightened for the way you try to control me. And I’m afraid of what you’ll say to me. I am afraid of you.

Is this what you wanted?

Dear Crush.

I guess I should write dear boyfriend, because you’re not just a crush. But let’s not get concerned with technicalities. First off, I love you. That’s old news, but I’ll still say it. Thank you so much for coming into my life, and for all the ways you encouraged me to change for the better and put old habits behind me. For being my friend when no one else was. And for STILL being there no matter how many times I treated you unfairly and held you to a double standard. Even though we’ve had rough times (EXTREMELY rough) you’re still here and you don’t plan on leaving. And I can honestly say that I’ve given you many legitimate reasons to. I hope that we have many more days together and many happy times. I love you babe.

Your girl.

Dear Best Friend...

It seems like lately we’re not even friends anymore. One second you’re around, the next you are gone. You’re rarely ever there for me and when I look back I wonder if you ever were. I see all the times I paid for things you did and kept my mouth shut when I shouldn’t have, and you never repaid me for that. Not that I keep a record, but it hurts to see how much you don’t even care to repay me for the months of my life I lost because I lied for you, and stayed back while you got your freedom. Sure, you told them all about the boy, but not the drugs you took, the cigarettes you smoked. No, you let me take the blame for that. I wish I could let go of all that but you just don’t seem sorry so I can’t. I want to move on, but you show me over and over again that I’m your back up. I’m here when those people drop you. The ones who don’t care about you, and never would they way I do. The ones you give yourself away to because I’m just not good enough for you. So forgive me if I seem cold. But you just can’t understand me. There’s so many things I can’t tell you because you just wouldn’t understand. I’m sorry..

Love forever,

Your Soldier.

i'll be free next week

and actually most of this week too. i'm going to be busy pretty much until july. this week is preparation for the pageant, and next week is the music festival. i'll be barely watched and be able to eat as little as I want. and at the festival i'll be walking and sweating all day. i'll need to keep hydrated, but i'll barely have time to eat anyway so i won't have to. water is all. it'll be so liberating<3

so fucking hard.

I'm seriously sick of this. It's so back and forth. My parents say he's no good and we're not meant to be together and We should just break up. And sometimes I start to believe them. I did once. We broke up. And I barely survived. We got back together. And I can't just do that again. I can't watch him go after other girls again. Like I just die.

this is my attempt at somehow expressing myself

Because apparently I don't do a good job of that enough already. I guess I'm just trying to sort myself out. I rarely say what I'm thinking..and I do what I want in my heart even less than that. So this is just my little way of finding some kind of outlet.